The Break-Ups That Break Then Make You
Photograph: Megan Madden
Most of us have been through an emotional, stomach-churning, heart-wrenching and ‘crying at every song that reminds you of your ex’ break-up. Even the lucky ones amongst us who haven’t will know the devastation it causes thanks to the extensive romance genre on Netflix. Today’s submission is one for those in the post break-up fog that leaves your world turned on its head. You might not yet believe how brave you are, but we hope this post gives you the hope you need to push through, and one day reflect on the strength you showed, even on the days you didn’t know you had it in you …
“Being a part of the divorce club had never been the plan, although I’m sure for a large majority of people it never is. I won’t bore anyone with the long winded details because that would be the equivalent of an emotional (eye roll) facebook post. I’m not looking for anyone to DM me!
My first reaction to the break-up was devastation, then anger, then determination in changing his mind and after that… feeling numb was the safer option. It allowed me to go to work, try and maintain a sense of normality for large parts of the day, and for those hours I had to myself, I would just cry. It’s ridiculous how tiring that can actually be. I never understood the whole ‘heartbreak diet’. If I had a bad day or felt upset I would instinctively reach for chocolate. Instead I felt nauseous all the time, my body ached and at that time I was way more interested in indulging in tears than calories. I lost weight, I lost the need to get out of bed and most importantly I lost myself. It sounds like a real cliché but it couldn’t be more true.
When I slowly started telling my friends, it was such a mix of emotions. On the whole I was embarrassed; for making everyone attend a wedding, declaring our love for each other and now confirming apparently none of that was true… I felt like a failure for not making it work and for not being what he wanted. In fact I felt unworthy, ugly, fat and on the whole not enough. We are all constantly fighting those annoying feelings of never being enough and here was my evidence. On top of this overwhelming sense of inadequacy I now had to include all my friends on the little secret. I had previously been telling everyone of our future plans and here I was telling them that he wanted no part of them. Previously it had been we and us and now it was he and I. However, I completely underestimated the love and care my friends had for me. They didn’t roll their eyes or question my commitment. They gathered me up in their arms, they plotted his (imaginary) death and they made me feel special. They reminded me of how much they love and appreciate me and I realised how much I had neglected them.
“I understand now that someone should and will love you no matter your size, your mood, your hang-ups, your anything. They will love you because of all of the good and bad parts because that’s what makes you, you. ”
After the break up I had been thinking off all my flaws, all my mistakes and everything I could have done. The people who truly loved me, reminded me of all the good. For so long I had been part of a twosome and I think a lot of us forget that we are two people that came together. You see each other as two halves but the most important thing I took away from this is that I am a whole person. With flaws and quirks and feelings and everything else that makes us an individual. I had stopped thinking about what makes me happy and how important that is. My friends never thought of me as just an extension of themselves or our friendship group but as someone who made them laugh, told them stupid and embarrassing stories and loved them back. I had been so caught up in what would make my partner happy, or sad or uncomfortable that I stopped including myself, my friends and my family in the same thought process.
The most poignant part of this break up was the love I felt from my family. My Dad took 2 months off work (alongside other family and friends at weekends) to gut and restore a 1 bedroom apartment so I could have somewhere that I could call my own. Not something he had probably accounted for in time and money but none the less he made it happen. Thankfully my step mum was there too, directing the décor. My mum housed me in her spare room and hugged me what felt like 24 hours a day. My brothers who never quite knew what to do being younger and unsure of how to help, asked me what I needed and made me laugh. My sister and her boyfriend (basically my brother as they have been together for over 10 years) picked me up and kept me sane. My step dad just continued to be himself and that was at times exactly what I needed- just a sense of normality with everything else changing around us.
Now there is a happy ending here. I promise. I’m not writing this from an emotional black hole, but instead from a happy, wiser and more self-loving place. I understand now that someone should and will love you no matter your size, your mood, your hang-ups, your anything. They will love you because of all of the good and bad parts because that’s what makes you, you. I am special because I am the only version of me. I have loved and liked people because of their weirdness so there has to be someone that will cherish that part of me... right? You is kind, you is smart, you is important! Yes I am referencing a line from The Help! But that’s because it’s simple and true.
Now I could lie and say that I’m constantly this positive warrior but that’s not always the case. I have my down days, I have days where I look at my friends and feel pangs of jealousy and longing for the life they have and I thought I was previously on track for. The insecurities are going to be constant but I guess I realised they are mine, they will always be there and I need to constantly work on them. That’s my job and no one elses. I am no longer taking applications!
I hope I get married again and I hope I find my happy ending. However I now realise that I can also hope for more than just those big life moments. I hope to travel to far off places, I hope to meet so many different people, I hope to win the lottery, I hope to look good in denim shorts and I hope to always remember my worth.”
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If you want to see more from Rebecca or share your similar experiences, you can find her on Instagram @beccajonners10.