Self Doubt In A Breakup: Dealing With Heartbreak When You’re The Dumper

The Importance of Trusting Your Gut and Being Okay on Your Own …

Photograph: Maud Chalard

“There’s a fair chance that at some point in your life (or maybe a week ago, just like me) you’ve decided that you don’t want to share your life with, who you thought at first, was your "significant other". Maybe you’ve already begun the process of moving on and away from the person you've had by your side for so long. It might have been a sudden realisation, or well-thought through decision - nevertheless, you've made it. You ended this chapter in your life.

The moment I realised I wanted to end my relationship with someone, it came from the thought that (in most cases) we are both adults wanting the best for each other. Or at least we should, right? Well, when I told my boyfriend (*cough* ex-boyfriend) that I’m not really feeling it anymore and I don’t want to be in any relationship right now, the first question he asked me was “Would you prefer to be alone at the age of 30 than in ANY relationship?”. Woah. Let me tell you now, I’m nowhere close to being 30, and even if I was, I would have still looked at him the way I did the moment these words left his mouth - really close to baby Yoda face meme. I want to believe he was angry or in shock, but what if he wasn’t? What if he asked the question because he actually believes I'm not going to find anyone else and regret this decision?

“And whatever happens, everyone deserves to be at peace with themselves first - to choose that, it is simply the most courageous act.”

Call me stupid, idealistic, naive or a hopeless romantic – I’ll take ‘em all, but one thing I truly believe in life is that we cannot choose who we fall in love with, but we can certainly choose if we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. And as we all know, love is a hugely rewarding feeling (and sometimes also, as Damon from Vampire Diaries would say – painful, pointless and overrated). The moment we try to run away from it, it hits us a million times harder. And in the moment in which we decide who we do want to share it with, it changes our life forever. Of course, for a length time I had wanted to share it with this one person, for so many months, occasions, and reasons. But does it obligate me to stay with this person for the rest of my life? Or even for just a ‘few more years’ or until a valid reason comes along that allows me to leave?

As a fresh dumper, I can assure you - it takes quite a few tissue boxes and maybe more than two chocolate bars - breaking up hurts and it’s probably one of the most difficult things to do, but if you don’t ever find yourself happy in sharing love with someone, you need to step back and realise that you are the most important person in your own life. That took me a while, but now I know - no matter how hard I'm try to make other people happy, I’ll never make them as happy as I could if I was content with myself in the first place. And if you feel empty, or just like me, you want to understand why it felt so relieving yet so disturbing to leave and love someone, you must believe that the emptiness you feel inside needs to be filled by you first.

We all deserve the very best in life, and even though it may feel like we’re in the absolute darkness without that certain someone, we should always ask ourselves– do I need someone who purely brightens up just one area of life for me? Or do I want the ability to brighten it up on my own, and feel confident that I can do so every single time I need to? We all have different reasons for going through with a breakup – sometimes it’s betrayal, anger about what the other person may or may not have said about your friends, or maybe simply that you can’t stand his annoying questions about your future any longer. Whatever it is, you are entirely entitled to leave a relationship if it doesn’t spark at least a little joy in your heart (we are simply Mario Kondo-ing our relationship, if you will).

It may come from my introvert soul, but I truly believe that we can be pretty damn happy alone. Of course, having someone to share your life with is a pretty special feeling, but don’t forget you can achieve the happiness you may seek from a relationship on your own. And whatever happens, everyone deserves to be at peace with themselves first - to choose that, it is simply the most courageous act.”