I'm a Loner- But a Sociable One
I don’t have a friendship group, and I’m okay with that …
Words: Georgia Soffe
‘Hmm. So interesting’ I muttered as I very slyly observed my boyfriend reply to the many football memes and fire emojis in his guy group chat.
‘What is?’ he replied, perplexed at my tiny outburst, and possibly wondering whether I finally understood what ‘off-side’ means (I didn’t, and still don’t).
‘The fact that you guys have been friends forever, and that your group is still existing’ I said.
He responded with an expression more blank than this page before I started writing on it - and then clocked.
‘Does it not make you sad?’ he asked - polite yet inquisitive.
It’s a question I’ve too asked myself for years, but now I finally have the answer. I don’t have a ‘friend group’. I never really had one - and nope, I’m not sad about it. Not even in the slightest. At least not anymore.
It’s certainly something I used to fret about. At school, sure, I gave it a go - worming my way into groups but I always felt like the odd one out and was genuinely confused and dismayed about myself; ‘why is it that I’m not pals with everyone in the group like everyone else?’ The pattern I noticed was that I would often be close to most - sometimes some - but never all. ‘Am I even normal?’, ‘perhaps I’m just socially inept’ were the kind of words getting tossed about in my mind. But how could this be possible when I was still able to forge good friendships - and it’s not like I was short of them.
I’m 28 now, and I’ve learnt two things; I think my brain prefers one-on-one interactions. If this pattern is recurring, surely it’s just the way I am. And secondly, realising who I am is simply a human being who values the depths and connections of my relationships, as opposed to the amount.
I’ll admit, sometimes I get a major case of FOMO. When I see other groups of friends together out and about, or on social media, I can't help but wonder whether I'm the only person in the world without a group of my own.
Before Covid took my job away from me and I was working full time in London, I absolutely LOVED going into the office. I was working in advertising in a creative department alongside likeminded, social individuals - and loads of them too. Again I was closer to some than others but with so many people working together in one agency, I had such a wide selection of pals dotted about in the same place. And that was my weekday socialising sorted for me.
Before the pandemic hit, approaching weekends used to make me feel anxious - and envious at the same time. The sweats, the shakes, that weird feeling in the chest (god, I feel nauseous just thinking about it). Everyone had plans in their groups of togetherness. I’d spot bunches out for brunches, friends at the flower market, hangs on the Heath. Basically, seeing groups of friends doing all the things together used to make me feel like a right weirdo. ‘Why don’t I get invited along to shit like that?’.
Without this sounding too weird, backward or conceited (or - rather - all of the above), I was relieved when the first lockdown was put into place. Certainly not because I was jealous of those with big groups of friends and that I wanted them to socially suffer - I felt better mentally whilst staying inside. My anxiety dissipated and my mind was finally calm. I stayed at home, protected the NHS, and did some painting whilst I was at it. Who didn’t? I found solace in the fact that everyone else was also stuck inside and not socialising. The world had slowed down and, with it, so did my brain.
This feeling of zen all came at a time when I had my epiphany moment. The catalyst probably being a Zoom call with my therapist, reassuring me that I'm not the only weirdo who was rather enjoying the lockdown. I was just one weirdo of many.
As humans, we’re absolutely obsessed with comparing ourselves to others. What the others are up to is what we classify as the ‘norm’, or the ‘right thing to do’. But just because it’s what the majority are up to, it shouldn’t trivialise you and your way of doing things. This piece of knowledge applies to everything in life, and allows for us to build a stronger sense of empathy and understanding of those around us. (And in a world that is falling apart, who doesn’t want to add to making it a better planet to live on?)
“We always want what we can’t have. Instead, find peace in the fact that so many other people all around the globe will want what you have.”
I remind myself that I create deep and meaningful connections with many individuals, as I am naturally drawn to humans with personalities, morals and values which align with that of my own. Almost like sorting through a box of MILLIONS of jigsaw puzzle pieces; when I find ones that slot into my rogue piece, I hold onto and build on that - ultimately making the strongest two piece relationship puzzle anyone ever did see. Unbreakable. We come as one now.
Since school, and wondering why I instantaneously drifted from those I was surrounded with on a daily basis, I've met so many other people along the way in life; through college, travelling, working random jobs, through Instagram, and the weirdest: Spareroom viewings. And now, instead of seeing friends spread out all over the place as a negative thing or a symptom of isolation, I feel so greatly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life but in so many different parts of the world - it also gives me plenty of travel destination options and an excuse to bugger off for visits all over the globe.
Not everyone is this way - I do like to consider people like myself a rare breed. I realise although I was bullied at school, it was for this very trait of mine that I was actually envied by those who weren’t kind to me. And whilst I failed to see their bullying as a mask for their envy, I looked up at the people who - I only now realise - were similar to me. ‘Bloody hell, they’re literally friends with such random, different people’ I’d mumble in my mind. ‘Everyone likes them’ I'd also notice myself projecting - perhaps a hint to myself that this wasn’t the case for me. For a long time, I allowed the bullying to define me and it amounted to a LOT of my anxiety in the present day. And if any of them are reading this - you put the hell in hello.
So - we need to stop comparing ourselves to others. We always want what we can’t have. Instead, find peace in the fact that so many other people all around the globe will want what you have.
Whoever you’re friends with - whether it’s a big group, one person, or 7 different people spread out across the continents - it’s valid and true. Not one person on this planet is the same as another, and we all do our thing differently. Just because the majority do something a certain way, this in no way means that everyone should be doing the same.”
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You can find Georgia on Instagram looking her beautiful self at @georgiasoffe or view her writing portfolio here!