Facebook Memories and Life After Insecurity

Image credit: @thepouf on Instagram.

Timehop, Facebook Memories and Instagram Archive- the 3 deadly sins in digging up more care free times, pre breakup happiness or how good your skin looked when you could be bothered for a lengthy skincare routine. Today’s submission gives a more optimistic view to reminders from the past however, and shows the importance of time as a healer and the benefits of working on yourself, for yourself …

“It’s easy to sound preachy and smug when writing about the ways your life has changed for the better. I won’t tell you that everything can be improved by positive thinking or that anything can change quickly, but with time things can be so unbelievably different.

This time five years ago I was fine. Or so it seemed according to my lively social media accounts (thanks Facebook memories). One day I was posting a selfie of me in a fluffy cardigan talking about feeling cosy and warm, whilst another showed me glammed up for a night out with a group of friends. Full of enthusiasm, excitement and buzzing with energy.

The reality is that I was in debt, barely eating and felt intensely lonely. It was the kind of loneliness that felt like a physical weight. It was tiring just existing.

I’d go to work as usual but count down the hours until I could head home to sleep. I’d sleep from 6pm right through until the next morning, hoping that I would wake up to a different life.

Events of that year had completely overwhelmed my sense of self.  Things had spun out of control and I was desperate for something to hold onto. My relationship had broken down in the most traumatic of ways, and although it ended suddenly, the impact of it was huge. I questioned whether I would ever be able to trust anyone in my life again, whether I was safe and how I could continue my life free of what had happened.

My anxiety manifested in a number of ways but the most noticeable was the inability to do a basic food shop. Odd one, I know. I could go into a shop and walk around for hours, picking up packages, scanning the information and putting it down again. Everything had too many calories, ingredients, took too much time, used too many implements. It became an obsession - I ended up not eating anything. For some reason, the only thing I could have was a huge can of energy drink each day. Looking back, this was the only thing that kept me going and gave me some energy, but it also undoubtedly made my anxiety and fears worse. I felt like everything was on fast forward. Sure, I dropped a lot of weight but I also developed awful skin problems, insomnia, digestive issues and struggled to maintain any friendships at all. I spent my time hiding in my bedroom in my shared flat binge-watching anything on Netflix that might distract me long enough until I fell asleep.

A disastrous girls holiday followed, friendships broke down, family illness had a huge impact and I knew I needed to make some changes or I was going to continue to struggle.

I tried researching ways to improve my life and kept finding suggestions on ‘gratitude’- appreciating the small things and getting out and about keeping busy. Great advice but they were the absolute opposite to the things I wanted, or felt capable of doing. I continued as I was but knew something needed to change, so began looking for a new place to live. New surroundings often make such a difference so I thought I’d give it a go.

I went back to my parents at Christmas but couldn’t tolerate being near people. I spent most of the festive period emailing someone at the Samaritans. I knew I needed help but didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t express how I was feeling or even answer basic questions. I stopped replying and decided sleep was easier.

With the New Year I moved into a new place and decided to have a clear out. I removed anything that I didn’t absolutely need, I re-evaluated my friendships and removed those that didn’t make me feel good and I went back to basics. Made playlists I remembered liking, bought a nice candle to have on while I stayed in my room and began watching YouTube videos so I felt more like I was socialising, even when I didn’t feel like I could.

Slowly I started to feel more like myself and like I wanted to take part in what was going on in the world. I was able to eat again, go out and do basic things on the weekend like go for a walk. I got into jogging and enjoying my playlists as I ran. I joined dating sites to chat to people, but wasn’t quite ready for any dating.  

By the end of January I was feeling closer to my normal self and had been talking to someone online. We went on a date (me: reluctant, him: keen) because I decided I had nothing to lose. I remember looking at him and not being able to believe my luck. He was too attractive for me. Too nice. Too genuine. There must be something he was hiding or something awful waiting around the corner.

“My main lessons have been the following: If it doesn’t serve you or build you then don’t do it. It will all come good in the end.”

Five years later and we are engaged, in a lovely house with an adorable puppy. I did spend the first few years convinced terrible things were about to happen; absolutely persuaded he was going to realise at any moment that I was too difficult or not enough, and with any sign of him not being completely obsessed with me, I was sure he was about to leave. I’ve invested lots of time in myself over the last few years. There has been lots of reading, podcasts, discussions with friends and I’ve also managed to save some money so that I could afford some counselling to further understand myself.

As it turns out, I am enough. I’m not ‘too much’ of anything. I’m me and I’ve got plenty to offer, despite what I may have been through and how low I have felt before. My mental health is something I am always aware of, and never something I take for granted. 

By finding out more about me I have been able to understand the choices I make. I’ve learnt to say no to things that don’t interest me or take time I don’t have. There is no need to please or impress others and the sooner you realise that, the less time you waste! I’ve learnt to do more of the things I love and that give me energy. Think back to the things you loved as a child or teenager - do you still do those things? Probably not. I remembered I loved sketching and doodling but as an adult I just didn’t do it; I’ve made a real effort to reintroduce creative things into my life.

Just because the latest ‘self care’ advice suggests one thing, it doesn’t mean it will apply to you. I spent years thinking I had to to yoga to be mindful and to relax. Now I’ve accepted that, actually, I really don’t like yoga and I get more benefits from fast paced exercise. My mindfulness comes from enjoying sunsets, looking at my surroundings or listening to audiobooks.

I look around at my life and can’t believe I have my own house with a garden full of flowers. I have a fluffy little dog that runs towards me every day like they’ve not seen me for a week. I have bathroom with a bath and can be completely undisturbed reading a book and swanning about in a face mask. My fiancé loves me even though I am messy, scatty and have questionable taste in tv programmes.

My main lessons have been the following: If it doesn’t serve you or build you then don’t do it. Change your approach to life if it isn’t going your way and remember you are an individual so do what you like! Be you - don’t minimise yourself or worry about the opinions of others. It will all come good in the end.”