Fighting #FOMO And Learning To Be Comfortable On Your Own
The Big Difference Between Me and Cher Horowitz Is That I Can Drive …
Words: Kate Graham
“Some days it's a lot easier to deal with the fact that I'm nearly half way through my twenties and I've never had a boyfriend, let alone kissed anyone. I've always felt really lucky growing up the way I did, my parents and family never made me feel bad about not having a boyfriend and this really came in handy when you spend your adolescence in an all-girls school as a shy girl in amongst a group of equally shy friends. Boys were just really never a part of the equation.
So I graduated high school with the thought that maybe University would be different. I remember the first day of my classes thinking the one thing I had to do that day was to sit next to, and strike up a conversation with at least one boy, just to get the ball rolling… and I did… and it was fantastic (read: nerve wracking and stilted) and we’re even still friends five years later. And yet I still wasn’t able to completely throw off my old introverted ways throughout the next three years of my degree. I could blame my lack of male friendships on the fact that I completed a Bachelor of Arts and that there were simply no boys (of course there were, it was just always easier to sit next to girls); but the truth of the matter is that I think I’m just a little bit scared of boys. I’m terrified of being *that* girl who is a terribly awkward kisser and that the hair on my chin will scare them away, that they won’t want me because I’m still a virgin and that apparently equals stage four clinginess and too much baggage.
And the thing is, 99% of the time I feel completely okay with having been single throughout my formative years, because it has meant that I've been given the opportunity to learn about being comfortable with myself, even when I’m lonely. That I’m able to do things on my own because I haven’t got an obligatory plus one. I can kind of get away with only shaving one leg because I can’t be bothered. But at the same time that silly 1% will reappear every now and again and some days it's so incredibly hard being around people who are in a relationship because it reminds me of the ways in which I haven't been able to be loved yet, and that maybe I'm a little bit less for not having someone else in my life.
The thought of revealing to friends that I've never been kissed or been in a relationship releases a unwelcome shameful feeling into my gut because I'm still navigating and overcoming the idea that being a virgin at my age makes me the ugly duckling. And the most ridiculous thing is that at 24 the world is your bloody oyster, no one expects you to have done anything at 24 in terms of your career or finances but apparently, you’re weird and repressed if you’re not a sex goddess.
Currently, I’m trying to let myself get a bit more comfortable with the idea of spending the next however many years by myself and that being single and inexperienced is not a death sentence. I’ve only ever met one other girl who is my age and in the same boat, and getting that endorphin rush of ‘you’re not the only one’ has been something I continue to draw on when I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I’m still waiting for my Prince Charming but in the end I think I might have to rescue him instead.”