Life, Lessons and Loving Different Things
Illustration and words by Rebecca Gourlay. Find her at @RebeccaJournal on Instagram!
Today’s contribution is from the lovely Rebecca Gourlay, who you may be familiar with if you’re a regular IGC reader as her gorgeous illustrations have been dotted over the site since we launched! Her submission today is one for those who have ever not ‘got the hype’. For anyone from those that aren’t really isn’t fussed by Stranger Things, to the people who have never got the big deal about Harry Styles. It’s about trusting your gut, understanding the beauty in being unique, and reserving your energy for the things that really make your heart sing …
“Standing in front of a canvas the size of the gallery wall, abstracted beyond comprehension, representing to me total, absolute nothingness. Surely there is something in the very angry charcoal scribbles and the slashes of oil paint that resemble a decapitated pig in an embellished crown because I’ve paid £25 to see it??? I realise there is nothing about the image I find poetic, there is nothing I can connect to, and I definitely don’t want to take a sneaky photo of it for my Insta stories.
There’s no magical epiphany, and the trials of mankind have not slotted into place like a post-modern puzzle in the way I’d expected it to. Huh.
I try to justify things with myself, whilst still making sure to fix my eyes to the painting in a bid to look extremely into it to other gallery go-ers. “Look at her, she’s so into it.”
It’s true, there have been some works of art I’ve seen that have captivated me to a near-obssesive degree, and there are many paintings, photographs and books I’ve been completely absorbed and shaped by. But this was not one, I think I’d probably go as far as saying I was repulsed by it, sorry :-/
After you realise you don’t like something everyone else simply cannot get enough of (herbal teas, edamame beans, Game of Thrones- sorry again) you realise a strange sensation of guilt begins to ring in your mind like tinnitus. I should like the painting in the gallery, cause everyone else does and all the reviews I’ve read online about it promise it’s a very important piece of art. Very profound and all about existence and weighty, worldly problems. I just see a dead pig, really.
If I can’t feel anything from the painting or figure it out, does it mean I’m kinda stupid? Or passive or naive? Or maybe too young to understand the world? Or is that an exhausted excuse?
Maybe. Just maybe, it means it’s not to my taste? That’s probably it.
“I’d constantly find myself within a group of people who could talk in huge detail about topics I didn’t connect with or understand at all, as hard as I tried, and I couldn’t muster enough energy within myself to attempt engaging with them”
There’s plenty of other things in life that I want to dive into- things that give me a strange burst of proactive energy, that make me want to move forwards into life with a sparkle and with a zing of excitement. There are other things that talk to me about the world and how I can make develop and make changes. Just not this pig thing.
After I realised it was okay not to like the painting, I began to slowly realise it was okay not to like a lot of things, and very okay to enjoy other things. And I also realised I had been way too horrible to myself in the past for not understanding or enjoying certain things.
When you realise you truly loathe something, all the things you do love rush to the forefront, and the appreciation you have for them becomes even stronger- because they make you you and are so exciting. Sounds pretty cringe, I know, but it’s true. We are all different little humans made up of layers of preferences, thoughts on the world, memories, stylistic and aesthetic choices, sensibilities, dreams, nightmares- it’s a wonderful thing to realise you dislike something.
This was a concept I found extremely hard to understand growing up, especially during university- I’d constantly find myself within a group of people who could talk in huge detail about topics I didn’t connect with or understand at all, as hard as I tried, and I couldn’t muster enough energy within myself to attempt engaging with them, resigning myself to believing I was a waste of a person by not adding to the conversation.
I decided all the years of my life leading up to that point had been wasted on pointless rubbish because I couldn’t utter a single word to contribute to the discussion.
It seemed like feeling as though I was smaller than others, less interesting and far less significant became an annoyingly repetitive state of being, and one that I alone had gotten myself deep into.
I very quickly forgot about all the exciting things I was interested in and could talk about endlessly to anyone who would listen. I forgot about all the unique elements I had gathered together over my 20 years on the earth which all smooshed together to make me. What a waste, huh!
Now I’m 24 (!) and although being kinder to myself is very much something I am still working hard at, I am much better at being honest with myself, and much less hard on myself. Like every human on the planet I have moments of horrible self doubt, moments of wishing I could be like someone else, playing the horrible game of comparing myself to everyone I see on Instagram (why can’t I stop scrolling???’). But, more of my mental energy is used up on things I enjoy and am passionate about, which is always a good thing.
It is so liberating to acknowledge you don’t enjoy something! Understanding who you are is such a huge flippin’ process, and noting what doesn’t float your boat is all part of evolving as a human.
And noting what you truly enjoy is also just as significant.”
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Thank you SO much to Rebecca for contributing this piece and gorgeous illustrations. You can see more of her work on Instagram @RebeccaJournal.