Why Can’t I Stop Worrying About Weight Gain During Lockdown?
Challenging the idea of ‘wellness’ during quarantine and the invasiveness of diet culture in a crisis
Words: Beth Axford
Photograph: Andressa Guerra
“As the long lockdown days drag by, I find myself almost constantly thinking about my body. Is it getting bigger? Am I moving it enough? Can I eat this or will I feel bad about it? And the age old, constantly nagging question - What if I put on weight during this time?
The guilt of being so self-absorbed overwhelms me whenever I have these thoughts. After all, there are people who are seriously sick and struggling right now. The world is facing something much bigger and more important than weight gain or how we look. We’re living through a global pandemic that is causing pain, suffering and loss to millions around the world. So why does my brain keep pulling me back to that same, repetitive worry that I might not look or be good enough?
First of all, we have a sudden abundance of time to be worrying about these things. A near constant quarantine companion is Instagram. I’ve found myself scrolling for huge amounts of time, gazing at everybody else’s (seemingly) more perfect lives. This is terrible for our mental health at the best of times, but right now it’s an absolute minefield. Flicking through beautifully curated images of women who always appear to look incredible (even in lockdown) has created a completely unrealistic expectation of what we should be doing or looking like right now. The more we scroll, the more ads we’re served, trying to sell us the latest beauty or weight loss products. The more we click on them, the more we get. It’s an overwhelming system that traps us from all angles. We don’t need this pressure – what we do need, is to survive. That should be the limit to our reality right now, just surviving.
“Who cares if you’re living off lettuce leaves and laxatives if you have a flat stomach! Our bodies are ‘supposed’ to fit a certain ideal, and if they don’t – fix it. Beach body first, health second. ”
Even though I’ve spent a lot of time reminding myself of this, there’s still a sense of panic in the back of my mind. I’m worrying about everything I eat, and in turn stressing about how much I’m moving throughout the day. Instagrammers and friends seem to be using this time to begin a new workout or health routine, which feels insane during one of the most unprecedented and stressful times of our lives. Everybody reacts to situations differently, and we have to remember that- we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves right now.
When you think about beauty ideals within our society, it’s hardly surprising that some of us might be worried about what we look like during quarantine. The entire world has been telling us our whole lives that what we look like is *more important* than our health. Weight loss teas, pills and diets have been prioritising what we look like over our physical and mental wellbeing for decades. I’ve found myself trying all of them, yo-yoing between every diet ever, my weight fluctuating drastically and constantly. I’ve never been happy at any weight, and hated myself the most when I was at my ‘thinnest’ (even though I never saw myself as that at the time). Who cares if you’re living off lettuce leaves and laxatives if you have a flat stomach! Our bodies are ‘supposed’ to fit a certain ideal, and if they don’t – fix it. Beach body first, health second. Even though these corrupted ideals are changing thanks to body acceptance movements and more research into what our bodies need, there is still so much to unlearn – and sometimes it feels like I might always be stuck in the ‘I must be thinner’ mindset.
So what do we do to stop ourselves from worrying about weight gain during lockdown? We remember that we are going through unprecedented times and that not everyone will react the same. Some people deal with stress by eating more, and others end up eating less. Some of us snuggle on the sofa all day to calm ourselves, whereas others use running as a stress reliever. The truth is that there is no right or wrong way to be spending this lockdown period, and we shouldn’t feel bad about what we’re eating or what we look like. There aren’t that many pleasures to enjoy at the moment, so sometimes sitting down with a chocolate bar is a real comfort to ease our troubles. Why can’t we take pleasure in that instead of demonizing food? Why don’t we focus on all the things we enjoy – even if it’s just doing not a lot at all?
I’m far from being able to stop worrying about weight gain completely, but I’m going to try and use the rest of quarantine to be nicer to myself. If I am worrying about it, that’s okay. I’m not going to unlearn years of systematic pressures overnight. But I also do not have to conform to what everybody else is doing, or aim for the perfect body right now. Above all during this time, we have to be kind to ourselves– and maybe we can learn to love ourselves in ways that will continue way after quarantine is over.”