Why The ‘You Can’t Be Loved Until You Love Yourself’ Notion is Problematic

Exploring Mental Illness, Self-Acceptance and Navigating Healthy Relationships

Words: Charlotte Rollin

The Internet. Such a funny ol’ thing. It’s brought me friends, fellow fangirls, inspired me to travel, educated me on politics and so much of the world around me that I otherwise may never have fully understood. And whilst social media has equipped me with skills and knowledge I know will take me far, it’s also opened up a pandora’s box of comparison in living the best life possible. The reception of unsolicited advice and opinion sharing is rife, and whilst it would be inaccurate to say I’ve not learnt so much from this, it also provides the food for thought that keeps you awake at 11.32pm when you lay in bed overanalysing your decisions and questioning the big ‘what ifs’. And whilst I am a lover of the Internet and all the positives that have come with it, the emphasis it places upon self-love in relationships is a thought process I still can’t get on board with. 

I often see the statement ‘you cannot truly be in love until you have loved yourself’ brandished around online, and every time I read this seemingly harmless sentence, it leaves me questioning my stance on it. For years I considered and appreciated this seemingly sensible and compassionate viewpoint, but it’s only now that I’m fully accepting of my mental illnesses in their all-encompassing natures that I question whether it really does come from a good place. The Internet has created communities of self-love, of accepting and appreciating our differences, of striving for growth and improvement and understanding the need to put ourselves and our needs first. But what this love-centric stance has failed to account for, is that not everyone can reach a place of appreciation and adoration for both their strengths and their flaws, yet it’s a narrative that has slowly and surely infiltrated our relationships too. Struggling with anorexia and body dysmorphia, it feels so impossible for me to experience the level of self-love and advocacy the Internet so often preaches. But does that then make it impossible for me to love and be a compassionate and reliable partner in a relationship? I don’t think so.

For so long the Internet has preached this mantra, and yet I still struggle to understand on what basis it’s been formed. I might not love and take care of myself in the most positive way, but if anything my mental illnesses make me more aware of empathy and providing above and beyond for the person I do adore. Because on the days when I’m unkind to myself, my mind reserves extra kindness for the person I cherish most. If anything, I didn’t ever feel a sense of love so strong and empowering until I had my first romantic relationship. I’d never felt the need or desire to provide and support someone so greatly, and so whilst I struggle to enforce that in my own self-love, I would never have understood the magnitude of those feelings had I not been present in those relationships. Yes being part of a couple should not subsidise or replace the self-love you should honour yourself with, but if that’s my only means of feeling those big and magical feelings, then I for one would accept this over the nothingness that I gave to myself before. 

I’m the first to admit that suffering with a mental illness makes relationships difficult. I overthink, overanalyse, and worry unnecessarily, and I know first-hand how hard that can be for the person you’re closest to. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of when it comes to my mental health, it’s that my ability to love is not one bit tarnished by the thoughts that occupy my mind.

“Love isn’t the only standard by which we should reflect attitudes onto ourselves if we wish to share these moments with others. Yet it’s rare to see discussions on learning to grow in any other capacity. ”

Maybe the meaning of this innocently intended comment is instead focused on accepting love and not giving it- after all, another popular Internet line states “you accept the love you think you deserve”. I feel very Seen when I read this, because unlike the idea of being able to effectively give love, I hold my hands up to the fact that it’s difficult for me to see the times when I deserve better or have been treated badly, because I don’t ever picture a version of myself or of a life in which I think I deserve the best. If this really is the intention of the quote, then perhaps its meaning isn’t so inaccurate. But either way, I struggle with the idea that those with mental illness should feel accountable for the ups and downs that their brains can sometimes bring. Yes, mental illness doesn’t give you a free pass to being a total d**k in your relationships, but placing the onus on the sufferer that their unavoidable struggles are their fault is really so damaging. 

And the more I think about it, the more the questioning continues. Does this idea relate to all aspects of life? Forgiveness? Accountability? Growth? Because I know there’s so many out there that may not struggle to love themselves in the same way that I do, but who in turn might fall at the hurdle of forgiving their mistakes or holding themselves accountable when they do something wrong. Love isn’t the only standard by which we should reflect attitudes onto ourselves if we wish to share these moments with others. Yet it’s rare to see discussions on learning to grow in any other capacity.

There’s no real conclusions I can draw from this confusion, only that I’m sure my mental health should never be a reflection of my ability to care and love others. Its this damaging narrative that stops those struggling from reaching out, for accepting their illness, from feeling hope for a loved and caring future, and above all, questioning their worth both in relationships and alone. I want to remind you that loving yourself is not something ingrained in us. The beauty and fashion worlds and every business that profits from our insecurities in the twenty first century play a part here. How can we ever grow up innately loving ourselves when so much of our world is dedicated to changing and ‘improving’. Self-love isn’t a given. It’s something that has to be worked on, understood and prioritised. And if you’re not at a stage of feeling like self respect and compassion are something you can provide for yourself, that’s okay too. I hope one day you’ll get there and know your value, and reflect the love that radiates out of you back to yourself. But until then, please don’t ever think you cannot love unapologetically, because if anything, that could be the path you need to take in finding this relationship with yourself too.