10 Steps To Heal Even The Most Broken Hearts …

Love, loss, and the heartbroken self-care cliches that actually help …

Words: Kerry Lockwood

A broken heart is something many of us will experience at one stage or another, but despite knowing this, and knowing others who have survived it, nothing really prepares you for your first experience of heartbreak. The cliche stories and ‘time is such a healer’ quotes your friends send you with the best intentions slowly become less and less bearable, as it likely feels that life drags on without your person. But. There are a handful of things you can do- often small and seemingly menial- that make this period of growth (because lets be straight, you gain 5 years of maturity, life experience and awards for clear skin cleansed by tears after a breakup) bearable. Kerry (who is truly sunshine personified) has shared her top 10 tips for overcoming heartbreak when it feels like it will never heal. Sending love

1. Be mindful of Social Media. To begin with, I'm not even going to try and suggest that you unfollow, delete apps or block the person who makes your eyes well up at just the thought of them. Though detoxing and protecting yourself from those corners of the internet is without a doubt the most sensible course of action - we both know that you're going to look.So instead I would recommend 'muting' their Instagram, at least then you're not going to be blindsided during an idle scroll waiting for the bus.  You can choose when you want to look, though remember - you probably won’t see anything you want to. As we all know Instagram and social media are show reels, and only capture a tiny window of a person's day, so try not to torture yourself. (Side note - the great news is - one day you won't even think to look...I promise)

2. If music be the food of love…get savvy with your Spotify! Perhaps you spent Sunday mornings flipping pancakes to Sam Cooke in the kitchen, or maybe you daydreamed about walking down the aisle to that Beach Boys song, but whatever the soundtrack to your life, music is like a passport to the past and it takes us back instantly: days, months and even years. 
When you're heartbroken and grieving it can easily feel like all songs are about love and they jab cruelly at that tender wound of yours. 

To begin with, Spotify has an option where you can 'mute' an artist - so no more unexpected plays until you're ready to hear it again.  Try and create some new playlists of songs that are relentlessly and obscenely feel good - Elton John ‘I’m Still Standing’ and Gloria Gaynor ‘I Will Survive’ are favourite power-anthems of mine!

3. And if music stings too much…then podcasts will be your saviour! Focusing in on conversations, interviews and even fictional stories can be a wonderful reprieve for your overwrought brain - and you can learn so much as a by-product!
Personal favourites of mine include Desert Island Discs, The High Low, How To Fail With Elizabeth Day, Super Soul Sessions with Oprah (the Brene Brown episodes are solid gold) and of course - our girl Liv's The Fringe of It! 

4. Finding your flow. Spiritual Teacher Eckhart Tolle is one of the voices I discovered when everything felt upside down and discombobulated. His thinking is based on the power of the present, and being able to stay in the moment. Activities that give you that blissed out feeling of 'hours could melt away' are what happen when you're in the 'state of flow'. So whether it's running, sewing, baking or even disco dancing - try and find that thing that makes your soul feel lighter. Creativity can truly lift the heaviest of hearts, and like Maya Angelou said - 'You can't use up creativity, the more you use, the more you have.'

5. It's good to talk. There are so many types of therapy, and so many ways to access it, so if you feel like your emotional toolkit is lacking what you need to move forward, then I would sincerely recommend pursuing therapy as an option. It can be easy to adopt a feeling of 'I don't deserve it as much as (insert any person you deem more warranted)' or 'It's only a break up, I'll look pathetic'. You won't and you deserve to move through the world without the weight of sorrow.  A therapist can be a teacher, an ally, a voice of reason, and a compass to help you navigate even the toughest of times. Most importantly a therapist is impartial and there in a professional context to help you.

6. You are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to cry your eyes out to melancholy love songs and you are certainly allowed to enjoy copious nights in with Ben and Jerry. But on those days when you just want the feeling to lift a little bit, gratitude is the attitude. Write down three things you feel grateful for. It could be as simple as a great sandwich you had for your lunch or as existential as the joy of hearing birds sing in the trees. If you get into the habit of doing this, you'll find yourself seeking out the good in every day, and when we focus on the things we do have, it leaves less room to fixate on the things we don't. 

7. Be a shoulder. Heartbreak can be an incredibly solipsistic time - our vision is skewed by the veil of our vast grief and as a result, it can become very easy to forget that the world is still spinning and that your friends and families lives still continue on regardless. When you feel you are able to, try and ask how your people are doing and engage with what they tell you. Being able to help, comfort or empathise with others problems can help you feel connected, of service and ultimately might even put your own worries into perspective.

8. The perils of your period. As if getting over heartbreak wasn't hard enough, once a month, every month you have to ride the hormonal tsunami, which if you're feeling a bit all over the place already, can literally feel like a one-way ticket to crazy town. 
Try and be aware of your cycle, keeping a diary of it if you need to, and be kind to yourself in those hormonal and erratic days. 
Let's face it - how many of us have sobbed our hearts out and not even been sure why, and then low and behold, your period comes the next day. 
Oh joy.

9. Get outside, take photos, show up to your own life. It can be so easy to hermit away under the duvet, eating biscuits and feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Whilst you need some of those moments, too many will begin to be detrimental, so push yourself to get dressed and meet up with a friend, go for a walk or even read a book outside for a bit. I found taking photos of things that caught my eye on afternoon walks meant I was really paying attention to what was around me, and was good for shifting a stormy headspace.

10. This is the most important one. When I sat crossed legged on my best friend's sofa, surrounded by tear-drenched loo roll and exclaimed, ‘I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this’ he replied calmly and kindly ‘Just let your people carry you’

It became a mantra for me every time I felt overwhelmed. Texting my friends and family when I needed support or clarity, talking to them when I felt overwhelmed, or even just being in their company when I felt I could do nothing more than observe was the biggest balm for my wounded heart. Your people love you, and they will be there for you, just like you’ve been there for them when they needed it. You are not a burden, you don’t owe them anything and you are not boring. You are heartbroken.

And the good news is you won’t be heartbroken forever; your friends and family are the best people to remind you of that and help guide you back to yourself.”

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You can find Kerry on Instagram at @_kerrylockwood_ : expect gorgeous interiors, dreamy princess hair and handmade dresses- she’s the ultimate Brighton cool girl!