How Polyamory Helped Me Overcome Jealousy and Insecurity
Inferiority, the girl ‘best friend’ and finding your long term love groove …
“Before I got into my first serious relationship, I thought I was immune to jealousy. I couldn’t relate to my girlfriends sharing stories about how uncomfortable they were seeing their boyfriends’ Instagram feeds flooded with pictures of girls, let alone knowing that they spend time with them. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s always easier to see how the insecurities and doubts play with your friends’ minds, fabricating anxiety fuelled stories about their relationship status. At best, I supported them and made sure their feelings were acknowledged. At worst, I sighed internally at their worries and clearly unjust comparison to their boyfriends’ female friends.
Little did I know that I would go through the exact same nerve-wrecking process of doubt, worries and jealousy myself. I already knew that my boyfriend had a history of having been with many girls, and the fact that he’s always had many different groups of both male and female friends. However, this didn’t stop me from second guessing how much stronger my connection to him was than that of the other girls.
When we hung out together, I would study their faces and pick out what makes them look better than me. When they made him laugh, I questioned my own qualities and feared that they were not only funnier, but all around someone he’d rather want to be around than me. When they were alone with him, I justified the possibility of him cheating on me, because it seemed so blatantly obvious that I wasn’t anywhere near as good as them. Of course he would cheat - he deserves the best he can get, I thought. I put his girlfriends on a pedestal, which was not only a pedestal based on overall better quality in looks and ability to entertain. They were also morally superior to me, I thought as the guilt started to sink in every time I shared my jealousy and worries with him.
Not a thousand I love you’s, endless hugs and kisses, let alone prioritised quality time with me alone was enough reassurance. I just couldn’t get it out of my head that any of the girls he spent time with were just as much or even better suited for him as a partner.
What put an end to these regular feelings of distress and inferiority seems completely counter-intuitive: polyamory. You might worry now that what I’m about to tell you is that perhaps I gave my boyfriend some sort of free-pass, letting him sleep with the girls I was worried about just to confirm, but at least letting me control my anxiety. But it wasn’t me who suggested this change: it was him.
My boyfriend is on different types of medication that sometimes prevents him from wanting to be intimate for several weeks or months, which on top of all of this anxiety and jealousy only increased feelings of my own inadequacy. When he suggested that I could now sleep with whoever I wanted as long as he knew and trusted them, so I wouldn’t have to give something up that others could give me, I had a few mixed feelings. Was he introducing me to this idea because he’d like a free pass himself? Has he maybe already cheated on me and is trying to find an excuse for it now? Turns out I was completely wrong.
“ At this point, my boyfriend and I talk openly about who we find attractive, and have even reflected on people that we’ve met on both sides who we could imagine seeing ourselves being with - never discrediting our own values and reasons why we’ve stayed together despite this pool of potential partners out there. ”
Because he knew of my jealousy and worries, he told me that the same rules didn't apply to him if I wasn’t comfortable yet. After some time to think and testing out how I felt about this new rule in our relationship, I started to think about our connection with other people very differently. I understood that we will both always be attracted to other people, or feel strongly connected to them, without it having anything to do with us. When I got more used to this new dynamic, I started to reflect more on the sense of ownership in relationships, and realised that losing someone you’re with is always going to be a possibility. But just because it’s an inevitable truth, doesn’t mean that it has to be uncomfortable. I remind myself to spend time with friends, nurture my own interests and spend time alone, be kind and compassionate to my flaws and celebratory about my qualities and achievements. There are so many human connections to still be made, and I’m just as deserving of those as my boyfriend. In fact, I manage to feel joy now when he tells me about someone he’s met with enthusiasm, it’s simply a beautiful part of being human, not a threat to my self-worth.
Two years into the relationship, I finally feel a little different about this ever-spinning emotional rollercoaster. Especially over the course of moving to London, I started to realise my own worth and real position in the relationship, not only despite but perhaps even becausewe’ve both met so many new people. I have myself met other guys who I could easily see as potential partners if I weren’t in an already fulfilling relationship, and even had a few guys ask me out assuming I was single. At this point, my boyfriend and I talk openly about who we find attractive, and have even reflected on people that we’ve met on both sides who we could imagine seeing ourselves being with - never discrediting our own values and reasons why we’ve stayed together despite this pool of potential partners out there.
Maybe most importantly, I’ve started spending more time with my own male friends simply because there are certain things such as hobbies and interests that I can share with them that I can’t with my boyfriend - and that’s completely fine. It doesn’t mean that what he can give me suddenly isn’t enough, and applying that attitude and simple reality to myself has helped me overcome the feeling of ultimately being inferior to his other female friends. However, the combination of those experiences and brutally honest and transparent reflections I’ve shared with my boyfriend has helped me realise that there is always going to be someone out there who’s compatible with my partner. But the same applies to me, too.
It’s perfectly normal that there is always going to be things that we get from other people that we don’t get from our own partners, and that’s OK. Because at the end of the day, we both know that what we have together is currently not worth giving up - and even if it will be one day, I now know it has nothing to do with me being inadequate. I’ve found peace in the thought that even if all my anxiety fuelled imaginations do come true one day, at least I know it doesn’t make me inferior or inadequate, but that I will still be perfectly fine just as I am.”
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You can find Annika on Instagram at @anniloebig!