A Guide To Liking Yourself

Photograph: Rose Marie Yang on Instagram.

“My name is Andrea, and I used to hate myself. It might sound a little melodramatic, but to me it was just reality: I was unlovable, annoying, weird, and weak. Hating myself seemed like a reasonable response.

Then, around the age of 25, one tiny moment changed everything. I was having a fight with my then-boyfriend, who told me I was being too negative about myself. This was, of course, hilarious to me, because he was negative about everything. He countered that he was negative about everyone else, but he thought he was awesome.

My brain tripped. He thought he was awesome? He thought that he was awesome, and I, who was objectively far more awesome than him, thought I was worthless? How was that possible?

This reaction did not bode well for my relationship, but it did bode well for my self-image. It was the first time I ever had an unfiltered, positive thought about myself and it changed me. Not because my insecurities suddenly went away, but because it gave me the motivation to work to bring that feeling back. That moment spurred me forward, and I spent the better part of a year trying out different practices, habits, and advice to learn to like myself.

Everything I learned that year is in my book Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself, but here are a few of my favourite tips:

Retrain Your Brain

If you’ve been living with insecurity for a long time, your brain is going to be accustomed to telling you that you are The Worst of the Worst every chance it gets. It’s been practicing. Your work here is to start practicing the opposite. There are a lot of ways to do this, but I found one especially useful technique: a modified gratitude journal.

Gratitude in and of itself is a very powerful practice to reframe your view of life, and with a small tweak it can become a tool to help you see your own value. 

Instead of writing down general things you are grateful for every day, make a list of the things that happened that day that show that you are a good and worthwhile person. Make it embarrassingly specific and include anything that could be interpreted positively about you. My list included things like, “I woke up early and did yoga for ten minutes,” “I ran into an acquaintance and they looked happy to see me,” and “My coworker said I did a good job in passing.”

The mean part of your brain will fight back. Mine told me that my coworker was lying, that my acquaintance was pretending to be happy to see me, and that yoga is stupid. But here’s the thing: it’s way more likely that a person really was happy to see you than that everyone in the world has agreed to pretend to like you as an elaborate prank. Take the good stuff at face value.

Ask Around

Of course, it was really hard to find things that I liked about myself in the beginning. That’s where outside support comes in. If you are really struggling to come up with good things about yourself, try asking a few trusted people what they like about you or why they are your friends.

I did this at the encouragement of a counsellor. Was it terrifying? You’d better believe it. Asking people why they were my friends me when I believed that they had all somehow been bamboozled into a pity friendship with me was about the scariest thing I could do. It was also worth it!

I recommend being very strategic in your ask: keep the numbers small and ask over email. This isn’t a bravery test and it gives them time to be really thoughtful in their response.

Nurture Friendships

Speaking of friends, a strong social circle is a powerful factor in lifelong mental and physical health. Look at the people in your life and figure out who are the ones you would really like to invest in, and then invest. Spend time in the same physical space as each other, have fun, help each other out, and (here’s the biggest, trickiest bit) be vulnerable.

It’s hard to open up to other people, especially if you’re not sure you are “worth it”, but if you want to be loved and accepted for who you are then you have to show your real self to others. Start small: try opening up to your closest friends about some of your insecurities or by asking for help with a small problem. 

The term “sharing is caring” doesn’t just apply to handing over half your blocks in playschool. Sharing vulnerable pieces of yourself shows that you care for and trust the other person, and may help them feel safe doing the same with you. This is what lifelong friendships are made of.

Do What You Love

Not for your job. I mean, sure, if you can do something you love for your work that’s great, but I’m talking about life. There are some activities that you love, right? That make you feel alive, connected to yourself and the world around you, and like you’ve “clicked in” to something deeper inside yourself? Maybe it’s playing music, going for hikes, photography, sports, cuddle puddles, or party planning. Whatever it is for you, do it as often as possible.

It’s so simple it seems too good to be true, but the more time you spend feeling alive and good in your skin, the more you feel alive and good in your skin. It’s exactly our goal”

Andrea Loewen is a writer, theatre-maker, and choreographer in Vancouver, BC. She runs The Receptionist Blog and her first book, Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself is available from Amazon and Chapters Indigo. In her spare time, she reads a lot of fantasy novels, ideally with her cat on her lap and a mug of tea in her hand. www.andrealoewen.com.