Feeling Beautiful When You Realise Beauty Doesn’t Matter
A journey of ‘realising things’ and the beauty in what we are rather than what we are not …
Words: Jess Winter
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a nervous wreck, always worried about something, an old soul, or as my loved ones called me in Spanish- ‘viejita’. And for as long as I can remember, I’ve always cared what people thought of me. Was I being annoying? A pushover? Was I strong or empathetic enough? Was I as pretty or funny as the girl next to me? Was I worrying too much? (Definitely!)
As I tumbled into my twenties, my skin being as awful as ever and my weight fluctuating, my self esteem went from somewhat decent to noticeably non existent (into the negatives if we’re really putting a number on it.) At first, I blamed my skin (hello, adult acne!), but the real problem was myself. I had been looking at the women I idolised and thought of them as perfect, comparing my every flaw to their every perfection. Staring into the mirror and not looking away until I made myself cry, I became my own worst critic. I stepped away from caring about what others thought, and stepped into criticizing and comparing the life out of myself.
I think confidence is important- in your looks, in your opinions, in your work. I think if you don’t believe in yourself then no one will. At the stage when I hit rock bottom in the self esteem department, I saw my reflection in a warped and distorted way and would think of the most disgusting hateful words. I had lost confidence in my looks, my opinions, and questioned my every move. I didn’t believe myself to be worth anything. With no idea the demons I was facing on the inside, my mom told me this quote from Lucille Ball that will never leave my mind: “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” I can’t say it was these magical words that fixed all of my problems, but I can say it was the first time I realised I had a problem. And that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t a monster. That I was human.
“I have eyes that may be what I grew up thinking were boring and plain, but are the same shade of brown I see on my nephew and my niece, which to me are the most beautiful eyes in the universe. ”
As I creep towards my late twenties, I think it’s terrifyingly difficult and damn near impossible to have perfect confidence, whether that’s by comparing yourself to others or not meeting the standards you’ve set for yourself. I can, however, confidently say that I’m not the only girl who has found herself scared, crying herself to sleep to the thoughts “I’m awful”, while to the outside world she looks like she’s got it all together. Which is terrifying all in of itself.
I am a beautiful woman. Not because I am occasionally confident, not because I have a small waist, or for the scoliosis in my back. Not because of my cheekbones, or because I have so many acne scars that people sometimes confuse them for freckles. I am beautiful for all the reasons that I think I’m not, and because I am one of so many beautiful women in the world that might or might not know it yet. I have a heart that loves so much I often care for my plants to their demise. I have a brain that works like a meticulous machine, lusting over order and organisation. I have veins on the back of my hands that I think make me feminine and strong because they’re the same veins I see on my mom’s hands. I have eyes that may be what I grew up thinking were boring and plain, but are the same shade of brown I see on my nephew and my niece, which to me are the most beautiful eyes in the universe. I was raised by beautiful women who, with their flaws, continue to be the most strong amazing women I’ll ever meet. I am beautiful because in a perfect world, I am not perfect.
I make an immense effort to see past the beautiful faces of women I see and look at them for who they are on the inside, with their own worries, struggles, insecurities, and love for themselves. I look in the mirror and look at my flaws, things I would sometimes kill to change, and remind myself how lucky I am. I think of my niece and future daughter growing up as strong, beautiful women, and think about how I want to be a part of that. I tell that stupid monster in my head to go away, and sometimes it does. Sometimes I change 8 times before I leave my house, and still feel like I could have done better with my appearance. But most times, I convince myself that I am me, flaws and all, and that is all I need to be beautiful.
So don’t feel pity for me or any other woman for that matter. But do, if you ever have the slightest doubt about yourself, remember you aren’t alone. That we aren’t alone. List off every single thing about yourself that you love. Nothing you don’t. From the frizz on your hair to the nail beds on your toes. From your great sense of humor to your empathy, list them off to yourself and keep listing. Know that you are beautiful no matter what that voice inside your head is telling you. Help each other up, accept compliments, and wholeheartedly give them. Our bodies come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and life experiences. But best of all we are ourselves, flaws and all. And that’s all we need to be beautiful.”
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If you’d like to see more from Jess you can find her on Instagram at @sayjesswinter or read more of her words via her blog www.sayjesswinter.wordspace.com.