Losing A Best Friend to Suicide
Love, loss and awe for the golden people who shape us forever …
Trigger warning: This piece discusses themes of suicide and losing a loved one- if these issues are especially personal to you or hard to read we recommend heading to the homepage to read another of our lovely submissions. If you need support or a safe space to talk then you can text Shout to 85258 for 24 hours a day support. If you’re outside of the UK, Samaritans is an endlessly brilliant resource for support and advice.
-
“Three years ago, my best friend took her own life. In the years since, I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions and have wanted to write about my experience surrounding her death for a long time. Reflecting on our years of friendship seemed like the best way to start.
My friendship with her was like the movies you see of girls dancing in the sunset promising to be best friends for life. Our sunsets were bike rides to the local park, laughing at the top of our lungs and collapsing on the grassy hills talking about everything and anything; boys, fashion, what we wanted to do with our lives, no stone was left unturned. We experienced everything together; broken hearts and all the angst that comes with being teenage girls in a small town where everyone knows your busines. When a new student joins school it’s always exciting, and that’s how I met her. We bonded instantly over a shared love of fashion blogs, which at the time were still relatively new- I hadn’t found anyone else with the same interest. We quickly became inseparable, doing absolutely everything with each another. A minute didn’t pass when we weren’t together.
But as our friendship and love for each other grew, I also learnt about a kind of darkness I was lucky enough to have never experienced before. Depression never meant more than a ‘bad day’ to me; I was young and unaware, but she opened my eyes to the reality of mental health and the bad days that turn into months. She was struggling, but I was doing everything I could to make her happy and to get her ‘better’.
Near the end of school, I got a boyfriend who I was madly in love with and suddenly, our time together was limited, caught up in a constant balancing act and trying to be a good best friend. The tables turned when she got a boyfriend too- my boyfriend’s best friend- and the two of us became a four, double dating every weekend which selfishly was the greatest thing that could’ve happened.
“I see her in the summer breeze and I see her in the stars. She will always remain close to my heart and I carry her everywhere. She has shaped who I am today and I will love her and miss her for the rest of my life.””
Not before long, school was over and suddenly university was on the cards and the upcoming separation scared us both. We tried to talk as much as possible from the new corners of the country we found ourselves in, whilst juggling freshers, new friends, and maintaining our own friendship. Summer of first year finally rolled around and we were both home, and the excitement to have a taste of the ‘old days’ was all I could think about. But I felt like something wasn’t right, there was an emptiness in her. I thought, maybe first year wasn’t as great for her as it seemed, but it will all be okay because we’re together again. She seemed hollow, like the person looking back at me wasn’t there anymore. The words sat on her lips just waiting to be reached for. And I tried. I tried to reach for them, to hold my hand out to say that I was there, but I couldn’t get them. She needed help and I didn’t know how to give it to her.
Second year was calling and the separation would soon begin again. I was reaching out as much as I could, desperately holding on to a chance of seeing her more often. Knowing she was moving in with her boyfriend lessened my worries as she wasn’t going to be alone. That’s when the unanswered texts came and the replies days later that weren’t eager to be in contact with me, or with anyone. They were standoffish and something wasn’t right but I carried on trying because she was my best friend and it was the right thing to do. Several messages were left unanswered for over a week and it was then I got a reply from someone else with the reply I never wanted. She was gone. She had taken her own life and there was nothing I could do or say to make it better or to bring her back.
The weeks and months that followed are a blur. It was a matter of trying to carry on, get dressed, go to lectures, and get through the day. None of it seemed real. I used to think it was all just a nightmare and that she was going to walk through the door and give me the biggest hug. I couldn’t accept that it was my new reality and unlike a death to sickness or old age, she was young and healthy and the thought of her gone seemed wrong and untrue. The following year was one of the hardest I have ever faced. I struggled to hold onto any kind of friendship, I was reclusive and empty. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. I would bury myself in my duvet at night, blocking the world out, playing our favourite songs as loud as I could just to feel close to her.
On the one year anniversary of her death, a friend suggested I go to therapy, and it was then that everything started to become real. I learnt that grief is never a straight road; there are twists and turns to trip you up the second you think you’re coping with it. But with suicide, the winding road turns into a labyrinth with no middle and no exit. I felt so much guilt for not doing enough, I was angry at her, I was angry at the world and at the system. I was broken, I was depressed and I was trying so hard to come to terms with what had happened and to respect her choice.
But therapy was one of the best decisions I ever made, and looking back I am so proud of myself for taking the leap to get it. It’s important to remember that we are never alone. The support I received gave me the chance to breathe for a second so I could understand my emotions. I learnt to deal with it in ways I could manage on my own, whilst knowing I could reach out if I needed to. Allowing myself time and speaking to my loved ones let me find the light in a part of myself I thought I had lost.
She was beautiful, selfless and the most generous person I had ever met. Her laugh was infectious and filled you with the upmost joy. She was my best friend and I miss everything about her. I miss my friendship and I miss who I was with her. I would give anything to be on those grassy hills again making daisy chains under the sun, dreaming about who we were going to be one day.
The way I have been able to find some good in all of this is to be thankful for the time I had with her and for the incredible, breath-taking friendship she gave me. I’m so grateful she chose me to be her best friend. The years I spent as hers showed me the love and warmth friends can bring you, and the kindness we all deserve.
I see her in the summer breeze and I see her in the stars. She will always remain close to my heart and I carry her everywhere. She has shaped who I am today and I will love her and miss her for the rest of my life.”
-
You can find Mary on Instagram via her beautiful account @mary_mccartan.