Enjoying Christmas When You Have A Dysfunctional Family
Illustration by the endlessly talented @happymakersblog on Instagram.
Whilst Christmas always feels like a magical time of the year (who doesn’t love a mince pie or ten a day or an excuse to listen to exclusively Michael Buble for an entire month?!), it's no secret that the festive season also brings a host of challenges that can make everyday life stressful or triggering to some.
When you’re supposed to be feeling your most loved and content, it can be hard to face the realities that a dysfunctional family can bring at xmas- because other than *that* Love Actually scene (Emma Thompson we’re looking at you), it’s easy to feel like you’re forever surrounded by others with big, shiny families and traditions you could only dream of. Today’s post is all about preparing for the month of December- because for those of us with a less than conventional family set up, it can take some time to get into the right headspace to take on Christmas- forced smile or not!
So whether you’re battling divorced parents, a family feud or relatives who are unaccepting of your choices or lifestyle, we hope these tips help you to enjoy the festive season as much as you can!
We know by now that comparison is the thief of joy, but around Christmas time, it can become harder than ever to detach from social media and feel content when others may appear to be having a better or more fun-filled time. As the big day approaches, it’s important to manage expectations of what your version of Christmas may look like, because after all, there’s not a one size fits all approach that can be applied to enjoying this season. On Instagram, it may seem like everyone but you is surrounded by their happy and wholesome extended families, with a Christmas dinner spread big enough to feed a small village. But newsflash! Knowing that you can create your own version of feeling content without any of those frills and extravagances is just as valuable. Maybe you’ll just be spending Christmas Day with your siblings, or perhaps it will just be you and your partner, but the happiness you can derive from keeping your exclusivity close to your chest, cancelling plans that you know will test your mental health, or excluding members of your family that you know will make the experience harder are all ways that you can make Christmastime work for you. There should be no guilt attached to putting yourself and your needs first, and this can be especially important in December.
And whilst managing expectations can help you overcome or prevent any negative experiences you may have felt in the past, there’s also nothing stopping you from overcoming those challenging memories and creating plans that you know will work best for those around you. Struggling to manage parents that don’t get along? Why not organise two events over the festive season- putting equal effort and personal touches into each- so that you can still spend time with both of your loved ones without the stress. Christmas can feel like a time in which you need to force a sense of happiness or togetherness to prevent bickering or tension, but there’s no shame in quitting the pretences and instead creating an environment that feels safe and relaxed for everyone involved.
Yes, Christmas is pretty bloomin’ magical, but it’s important to recognise how commercialised this time has become, and the romanticisation that surrounds the season of giving. Whether it be films like The Holiday that gave us unrealistic expectations of house sitting abroad (clearly Cameron Diaz has never had any worries about male intruders after Jude Law waltzed right into her sitting room) or with the jingle of All I Want For Christmas Is You ringing in our ears, the media sure knows how to make us feel inadequate for wanting a quiet night in away from romance or forced family fun. So whether you’re a Christmas film lover or hater, can’t get enough of Michael Buble’s Christmas album or would rather sleep through the faff of putting up the decs, it’s so important to remember that every emotion you feel is valid, and you should never feel guilty for any feelings of inadequacy that can come with having all things Xmas, everywhere.
Spoiler! Not everyone is being proposed to in DisneyLand, putting on a show stopping Nativity at their local school or falling in love with the Prime Minister (we’ve got Love Actually to thank for that one, but in today’s political climate absolutely no one is loving the PM right now). However you spend your Christmas- whether it be big or small, extravagant or thrifty, you reserve the right to take things at your pace and engage as much or as little as you’d like.
At Christmas time, so much emphasis is placed upon the importance of giving and putting others first, but we’re here to remind you that’s there’s no shame in celebrating yourself as number one and making plans that truly make you happy. You don’t owe anyone your company if you know this may trigger you, and you don’t need to fit into boxes you don’t feel represent you. Now might be the time to organise plans with friends you know love and support you, and get some festive fun in the diary that truly makes your heart sing. So much of the year can be spent looking out for others, making Christmas and the end of the year such a valuable time to really look after yourself and what you need.
Whilst therapy can be an expensive option that isn’t accessible to all, we thoroughly recommend and sing the praises of speaking to an impartial person who isn’t involved in the ups and downs of your world to help you through what is, for many, a really challenging time. Whether it’s a case of booking 2 or 3 sessions to help chat through any worries you have surrounding Christmas, or even pinning down a friend you know would only give you well intentioned advice, there’s so much that can be said for sharing your worries aloud and rationalising any concerns that may be eating away at you. You got this!
We hope these handy hints and tips have reframed Christmas in your mind for anyone worrying about the pressure to please others, and giving you the go ahead to focus on truly making your experience the best it can be. Happy 1st December- we really hope you have some lovely plans in the diary for the festive season this year!