I’ve Passed My Test, But I Can’t Shake My Driving Anxiety …
Anxiety on the road and learning how to rationalise the irrational …
If you were to talk to Liv at seventeen, not much would surprise you. I loved my friends, going to parties (albeit not all the time- home is where this gals heart is), seeing bands live and working at Topshop at the weekend (well, most of the time anyway). Perhaps more surprising was the fact I didn’t drink and unlike most seventeen-year olds- I wasn’t particularly interested in learning how to drive.
Perhaps a privilege in itself- I lived in suburban London, and could pretty much single handedly rely on public transport to get me from A to B. But truly, I had no desire of finally getting behind the wheel- driving to McDonald’s during our sixth form lunch breaks or picking friends up on a Saturday to hit up Bluewater (a.k.a the crème de la crème of shopping south of the river). Plus, my mum hadn’t learnt to drive until her thirties and had survived as a young, cool cosmopolitan woman with no driving license- I WAS GOING TO BE OK.
But fast forward 8 years and my mind had changed. I was saving up to move out, had a dog and a boyfriend- and a desire to have a little more independence. I didn’t want to pester my parents for their taxi services and loved the idea of being able to drive to the seaside, or country, for a day out without having to wonder about expensive cabs, obscure transport connections and how long everything would take. I WAS READY. Late, but ready. But- despite my confidence with so many things in life; running my own business, travelling around the world solo and a handful of other things, the thought of driving terrified me. I say terrified, but really I meant terrifies- because nearly four years after legally passing my test (the second time with 4 minors)- I’m still too scared to drive.
“After passing my test, I had a couple of minor blips that sent my confidence flying backwards. I was stalling at lights and forgetting how to pull away- small things that would have been resolved with practice but instead manifested into enormous ‘you’re a terrible driver!’”
I know it’s something I’ve irrationalized in my mind. Although I was a nervous learner driver, I still did it. I learnt for comfortably over a year- doing both endless lessons and an intensive course after my first instructor retired post first test failure (I promise it wasn’t me who drove her to retirement, no pun intended). But I did it. I only cried a couple of times and when I passed, I felt proud, capable and ready to take on the M25 with the radio on- wahey! So perhaps it’s the feeling of being out of the game for so long that fills me with dread. After passing my test, I had a couple of minor driving blips that sent my confidence flying backwards. I was stalling at lights and forgetting how to pull away because I was still in gear- small things that would have been resolved with practice and patience but instead manifested into enormous ‘you’re a terrible driver!’ ‘You can’t do this!’ thoughts that have completely internalised into something much bigger than I know they ought to be- it’s like being scared of flying or spiders- you know it’s nothing to (truly) worry about- but you can’t help it.
And reassuringly, I know I’m not the only one. Having spoken to friends, and wonderful women online- I know that the fear of getting behind the wheel- having passed or not, is a very real thing. My mum and nan, after driving for years still won’t drive on motorways- they are both brilliant, safe and considerate drivers and I always wondered how they didn’t feel the confidence to take on a big road with ‘just a few more lanes’. There are SO many bloody people on the road that I wonder how I can’t manage- everyone and their wife drives, people!
Unfortunately I don’t have a plethora of answers to offer here, but with time I know it’s about being gentle, trying again slowly- and knowing that you’ll never be perfect at something you never do. Whether that’s a car, an instrument or a language- practice will only help you get better, no matter how scary it is in the first place. My brother only became confident after taking a wrong turn home and ending up on a motorway- but he is comfortably one of the most relaxed drivers I know, so I know it’s possible.
So here’s to eventually taking the roads- feeling the fear and (just about) doing it anyway. And then doing it again, and again, and again- until there isn’t any fear at all. One day at least.