Self Doubt and ‘Decidophobia’: Why Are We So Afraid To Make The Wrong Choice?
Choices are everywhere, from deciding between toast or porridge to weighing up whether or not to quit your job. Some are easy, but lots are hard. And it’s those that fill me with dread.
“Have I made the right choice?” I ask myself time and time again. I start to think of all the alternatives that could have been, and the disasters that may follow. If I’d turned left instead of right would I have been happier? What if everything falls apart? What does someone else think is the right decision?
Throughout our lives, we’re given choices. Sometimes they’re simple and have minimal consequences. But sometimes they feel huge and terrifying. Even once we come to a decision, the second guessing and self-doubt can quickly start setting in.
As many of us become the first in our families to go to university or pursue careers that would have been inaccessible for generations before us, a desire to do our best and make the right choices swells up. There’s a feeling we have to always be ‘on’. To be slaying the game and winning (whatever that means). We have these new opportunities and we don’t want to waste them. We end up creating a definition of success based on what we think other people want us to do.
Throw in social media, the pressure to be a ‘girl boss’ and side-hustle culture and wow this is suddenly all quite overwhelming. We feel like we need to be CEOs before 30, like we should be freelancing alongside fulltime jobs or selling stuff we’ve made on Etsy. We tell ourselves we have to stay a certain size, have enough savings in the bank, be in a relationship and look effortlessly put together all the time. Just thinking about that makes me want to give up and go take a nap.
“If anything, failure can be more beneficial than achieving win after win. We can learn from it, we can grow. We can know that we took a risk and feel good that we at least gave something a shot. Holding yourself back won’t get you anywhere, but taking a leap into the dark might. ”
The truth is we might not actually want any of those things, but we feel like we should want them and strive for them. When making decisions we often aren’t necessarily thinking “will this truly, 100%, totally and honestly make me happy and fulfil my own personal definition of success?”. Instead we can view our decisions in the context of the external definition of success – the one we think other people want us to live by. We set ourselves goals and timelines based on what we see around us, not necessarily because it’s what we truly want or what will bring us happiness.
I don’t know about you but accepting ‘normal’ also holds me back in making choices. There’s a problem with recognising and being okay with not being at the top of our game in every single aspect of our lives. Not all of us will be CEOs, not all of us will run a marathon, not all of us will go into one job and love it forever. These things aren’t a guarantee to happiness or feeling content, and if we don’t achieve them we are not failures. We try to define our lives, our value, by these major ‘wins’ – but we don’t need to be ‘successful’ all the time. Our own idea of ‘not good enough’ is another person’s idea of extraordinary. We have to give ourselves a break and accept that we’re not in school anymore, we don’t have to get top marks on every test.
If anything, failure can be more beneficial than achieving win after win. We can learn from it, we can grow. We can know that we took a risk and feel good that we at least gave something a shot. Holding yourself back won’t get you anywhere, but taking a leap into the dark might. Yes, something might not have worked out exactly as planned but you tried and did what you think was right. You succeeded in being authentic and true to yourself.
Looking to our past decisions can also result in deep self-criticism and thoughts of ‘what if’. What we chose five years ago or even five months ago might not be what we would choose now, but we need to remember that those past decisions were right for us at that time. Let the past decisions go, you did your best.
So, the next time a decision needs to be made - take a moment. Connect with yourself and really think, “is this what I want?”. If you choose for you, you won’t make the wrong choice.”
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To read more from Ellis you can find her on Instagram @ellisvtaylor or visit her website, ellis-writes.co.uk.