How High-Functioning Anxiety Led Me To A Career As A Mindset Coach
Illustration kindly contributed by Rebecca Gourlay. Find her on Instagram @RebeccaJournal
Feeling seen, heard and understood when going through mental illness is sadly hard to come by for so many, as the quest to find someone who truly understands your brain and its worries feels sometimes impossible. Melina’s email struck such a chord with us here at The Insecure Girls’ Club, as her story of turning illness into community is one we couldn’t love more:
“I’ve always been a worrier - that’s just my nature. I’d worry about how I’d feel when I left home for college, and what type of college I’d get into...when I was 11 years old. I’ve always been over-prepared and high-achieving, because I thought that if I just prepared enough, I could prevent the worst from happening.
When I was younger I had an intense fear of failure which mostly manifested in needing to always be at the top of my class in school. I needed to prove so badly to myself and everyone else that I was smart enough and good enough that I drove myself to the point of panic attacks because I just couldn’t handle everything on my plate and had no time to see friends or take care of myself.
But I was constantly rewarded for this behavior - told I was doing a great job by teachers, friends, and family members. I was highly successful in the traditional sense of the word, but only because I was so afraid of failing. My ego would take huge hits if I got less than a B on any test or exam. I was terrified of criticism or of being anything less than perfect. Sound familiar?
What is high-functioning anxiety?
These are typical characteristics of someone with high-functioning anxiety. High-functioning anxiety generally manifests as a type-A personality, someone who is successful, put-together, and driven. But despite these seemingly positive attributes, someone with high-functioning anxiety is often experiencing intense worry, negative self-talk, overwhelm, and fear. This fear does often drive us to perform, but eventually it takes its toll on our lives and on our health as well.
It finally took its toll on me after I graduated college at 22 years old. I had started an intense teaching job that took up at least 80-90 hours of my week, and the rest of my week was spent in almost constant panic. That left pretty much no time for me to do things like exercise, cook, see my friends, and function like a normal human being.
In the worst weeks of it, I had a hard time getting out of bed because I was so overwhelmed. I was constantly breaking down in tears, having panic attacks, and was barely sleeping. I no longer wanted to do things I had once enjoyed, like watching TV, listening to music, or hanging out with friends. I had a hard time explaining to my now-husband, then-boyfriend, what was happening to me.
I quickly realized I had anxiety (which I had somehow never realized before that point), and I worked on shifting my mindset to manage it enough that I could stay in my job. It took almost everything I had mentally to stay, but I did. I slowly started coming back to myself, little by little, as I adjusted to my new job and lifestyle and did everything I could to make it bearable.
But my high-functioning anxiety still manifested itself in various ways. I would wake up every morning around 4am because I would be filled with the anxiety of facing another day. I struggled with a lot of self-doubt, feelings of not being good enough, and imposter syndrome. For the first time, I had to work on letting go of my relentless drive for perfectionism so I could just live my life.
The path to healing
Luckily, when I finally quit that job a year and a half later I was able to truly heal myself. I started eating healthier, exercising regularly, gratitude journaling, and practicing mindfulness and meditation. I learned a lot of tips and tricks that helped me manage my anxiety when it did flare up, and in 2018 I started a blog dedicated to helping others who struggle with mental health issues and want to feel well again.
Starting the blog opened up an entirely new world for me. It took me a while to get used to sharing my personal stories online, but when people would reach out to me and tell them my words had helped them feel less alone, it made all the doubt and fear worth it.
And being more vulnerable with a wider group of people definitely brought up doubt, fear, and...you guessed it, anxiety. But it was a different type of anxiety this time.
And then I realized something. At 22, my anxiety manifested itself so intensely because I was in the wrong situation for myself. I was in the absolute wrong job but was terrified of leaving it, and I had created the wrong life for myself. I had no set path to follow for the first time ever and I felt like I was staring into an empty void.
But now, five years later, I was now experiencing anxiety with almost the same intensity – this time because I was creating the right life for myself – a bigger life. A more creative life. A more bold life. A life of freedom, without limits, without a timeline, and with more risk.
And I realized that if my anxiety is going to show up pretty much no matter what I do, whether I’m on the right path or the wrong path, I am never going to “overcome” my anxiety or my fears. I am never going to be “done” with them. They will always, always be there. Especially when I’m about to try something completely new or go against societal expectations. Especially when I’m thinking about taking a huge risk, a huge creative leap, and going for the things that I truly want.
We’re in this together
So if you are struggling with high-functioning anxiety, know you are not alone. There are so many things you can do to not let anxiety control you. It will always be there, yes, because it’s a natural part of you, but you don’t have to let it take over your life and choices. And I know because that’s how I used to feel - like my anxiety had hijacked the driver’s seat, controlling all my decisions and actions, and I didn’t want it to. For a long time I didn’t even know it was happening.
But now that I do, I feel like I have been able to take back my power. I will always have high-functioning anxiety, but I see it now as a friend rather than an enemy, and I don’t let it control my decisions any longer. I know it’s there trying to give me advice, but instead of seeing its advice as helpful and practical, I don’t listen. Because I know that there are other, far better, ways of living now”.
Melina Charis is a mental health + wellness coach based in Los Angeles. She is a passionate mental health advocate and is soon launching a podcast where she will have real conversations with therapists, coaches, and wellness experts about modern mental health. Sign up for her newsletter to stay up-to-date with the podcast launch and be the first to hear about new episodes!