Seeking The Magic Of Your Twenties: A Note On Young Motherhood
The following contribution comes from the warm, kind and all-round selfless Insecure Girls Club member, Amy M. Her email left us so moved by her strength and inspired by her journey, and it quickly became evident that we could all learn so much from a woman who has shown such courage through times many of us may crumble under. We hope you are equally as enthralled by her journey and commitment to both herself and her lovely family …
“I have always believed that my twenties would be the start of self-discovery. Growing up a pastor’s kid with undiagnosed anxiety because “mental health isn’t a thing; just pray”, I dreamt of the day I’d be on my own, finally having room to grow and shine. I craved my own ideals without the disapproving eyes of the church. My twenties were my dream.
And then I became a mother at nineteen, not long after my first year at university. I hadn’t been there long, but the taste of freedom was strong. My own voice had just becoming audible. The emotional whiplash from the change in environment after coming home caused me to fall into a depression where I made some less than stellar choices. As my mother says, “For every action, there’s a reaction” and mine came 26 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy in the form of a one pound baby called Manhattan. She demanded to make herself known 14 weeks early, my cervix unable to handle the pressure. But I believe she came when she wanted to, timetable be damned.
After six months in the NICU, Manhattan came home accompanied by a breathing machine, heart monitor, and oxygen tanks. Not even twenty, I could barely manage myself, much less an infant. What about my magical twenties? I was desperate to find my light. Now I had to do that with a baby who, according to doctors, wasn’t even supposed to survive. This child who had already had brain surgery before I could even hold her was expected to go home. With me. The girl who gave birth in a Hanson t-shirt and knee high Converse.
My parents were still coming to terms with me being an unwed mother and I didn’t have any friends nearby so proper support wasn’t available. I was terrified of making mistakes (which I did) and even more so that I’d become a mother again (which I did). Being home was stifling. I felt small and didn’t trust my own instincts. After my second daughter Miley was born, my parents insisted I “make it right” by marrying the girls’ father and moving out. As much as I didn’t want to, I thought I needed to in order to be forgiven by my parents and I desired that more than anything. While the prospect of getting out was appealing, I soon realized that just because there’s more air and reprieve from the watchful eyes, it doesn’t mean that you’ll grow the way you want to. The environment has to be just right or the result can be fatal. And it nearly was.
Today I am a 32 year old divorced, single mother to a ten year old and a teenager who wasn’t supposed to live. I am also a domestic abuse survivor. And I am back in the home that felt so stifling all those years ago. Coming back to live with my parents five years after I left was a means of escape from the torment of the life they pushed me into, unbeknownst to them, the price I’d pay. The immediate relief from the relentless abuse overwhelmed me that first year back. My world could shine again, I was sure of it. As time has gone on, I now recognize all the things that made me feel so suffocated as a teenager. The opinions that are spoken as facts and the gaslighting continue to be evident. And while these things unfortunately haven’t changed, I have.
Being a young mother of a disabled child with cerebral palsy and autism, I’ve learned to advocate for her and demand we be taken seriously. Manhattan requires 24 hour care and that comes from me alone. My job is to insist she receives the services and care she deserves. She’s taught me that in order to properly advocate for her, I must also do it for myself.
Coming to terms with past abuse has been difficult. Seeing the toxicity that had seeped into my veins was devastating. I let insecurities from childhood run rampant into adulthood and the people in my life that were supposed to nurture me, did the opposite. It took 32 years to realize that I need to nurture myself. I need to aggressively care enough about me to remove toxic thoughts and people from my life. I am responsible for seeking out my light.
As far as support, it floods in from around the world in the form of fiercely brilliant fangirls via Twitter and WhatsApp group chats who have made a home in my heart. Women that are scientists, writers, educators, and disability advocates that come from one common seed (hi One Direction) have chosen me. They love me. They demand self-worth and accept nothing less. They teach me to be gentle with myself and to forgive.
I spend my days with Manhattan, just the two of us. We stick to a routine as much as possible, as this calms her and provides security. We stay home often, as crowds overstimulate, causing seizures or meltdowns. We’ve created our own Neverland, watching movies & listening to songs on repeat for years on end. We reach out to parents in the disabled community, desperate for connection, only to find judgement in regards to everything from therapies to dietary practices.
My beams of light on the internet never judge. They understand the power of music, the foundation of our friendship. They watch in awe as Manhattan learns more words and behavioral qualities from Harry Styles than she ever has from any therapist. They never belittle the magic of a boyband. They donate their hard earned money for accessible equipment for Manhattan’s physical needs and concert tickets for her spiritual ones. They hold a spot in their hearts for Miley. They encourage her spirit and remind her that she has an army behind her. This is my family. This is my time of self-discovery. The brightness of their lights reflect off my own and I am shining at last”
If you resonate with aspects of Amy’s story and need support or the help of someone impartial, please don’t hesitate to reach out to any of the amazing charities below. Sending so much love and light your way.
Refuge: Supports women and children experiencing domestic violence. Their 24 hour helpline for those in the U.K is 0808 2000 247.
Young Women’s Trust: Supports and campaigns for young mums to receive equal treatment, and helps provide advice and support to help women in their search for jobs through confidence coaching and one-on-one feedback. This comprehensive list on their site signposts to a huge range of other charities that may be relevant to young mothers.
Contact: This charity helps support and give guidance to families with disabled children. The advice and support section of their website is a brilliant hub for information surrounding the range of struggles you may experience as a parent raising a disabled child. Their helpline is open between 9.30am-5pm, Monday-Friday and is free from U.K landlines and mobiles. 0808 808 3555.