How To Be Compassionate To Those With Eating Disorders At Christmas

Christmas for me revolves around food. A warm mince pie and Bailey’s in the evening, a prosecco with breakfast (just because) and a few (read: 10) chocolates from the tree. And without fail, I’ll finish off Christmas Day itself with a second helping of crackers and cheese despite exclaiming only half an hour ago that I couldn't possibly fit any more in. And I know I’m not alone in my love for Christmas food- the novelty of such deliciousness that only comes around once a year is enough to make even Scrooge giddy with excitement of what’s for dinner tonight. In recent years, I’ve baked bread to accompany a melted camembert, (messily) iced Christmas tree shaped gingerbread and wowed my boyfriend’s extended family with a brie and cranberry tartlet. I think by this point my initial claim about Christmas revolving around food for me may be obvious, but what’s perhaps not so clear, is that despite all of this I’ve in fact battled anorexia and body dysmorphia for the past 7 years.

I know I speak for so many other sufferers too when I say that I really do love food. It can be surprising to hear that those who fear gaining weight or are so consumed by thoughts about calories can be such foodies, but it really is true. I’m a slow eater, savouring every mouthful to the point of being a quarter of the way into my meal whilst those around me finished 5 minutes earlier. I find so much joy in cooking and feel so at home in the kitchen, and would take cooking for everyone over washing up any day. But whilst my love for festive food is so strong, inside the worries that build around Christmas time are natural for those suffering from disordered eating. Despite my love for food, I also have stringent rules around eating and the meals I feel comfortable with, so seeing friends and being cooked for by family can throw any sense of control over food out of the window.

And it’s not just hard for those suffering with an ED at Christmas- I know from my experience how mentally taxing it can be for those in your family or close circles to worry about you enjoying the festive season and not feeling consumed by your mental health. I really hope this post can act as a one-stop-shop for families and loved ones of those suffering with an eating disorder at Christmas- whether you’re worrying about what to say (or what NOT to say), want to be inclusive without overstepping the mark, or simply need some guidance on where to start in being accommodating for those with an ED, I hope I’ve covered all bases:

Don’t comment on how much someone is eating.

If you have a normal and positive relationship with food, it might seem entirely reasonable and without question to discuss portion sizes, going back for seconds or how long of a walk you need to do post Chrimbo dinner to ‘work off’ your meal. But for those suffering with an eating disorder, they’ll likely be feeling plagued by how much they feel comfortable eating in front of others or the need to counteract calories with exercise. Whether their portion size is smaller or larger than yours, they’ve opted for a nut roast instead of turkey, or even something as small as eating their roast with no gravy, it’s best not to comment on the ins and outs of their eating habits, whether you think they’re menial or not. Eating in front of other people is often something those with EDs can sometimes struggle with, so if you’re lucky enough to be in the company of someone you know is suffering and they’ve been brave enough to immerse themselves in a foodie environment, it’s always so helpful to respect that and refrain from commenting on food at all- other than how delicious it is!

Don’t draw attention to them in a dinner scenario, even with positive affirmations.

In the same vain as the above, its common for anyone not familiar with the ins and outs of an eating disorder to worry so much about saying something negative in regards to food, that they sometimes go too far the other way and feel the need to praise or congratulate an ED sufferer at their efforts to join in with Christmas foodie fun. Despite the well meaning nature of these comments, it can sometimes feel patronising and intrusive to have others monitor your food intake and draw attention to the fact you’ve perhaps eaten more than in previous years. Even if you’ve got a well meaning comment to give or are thinking something positive, I’d refrain from bringing it up in a dinner scenario and save anything you do want to say (a simple “I’m proud of you” will suffice) for a one on one moment, preferably after the individual has brought up the subject on their own accord. If in doubt, you can still use positive language and reinforce your feelings to them without centring the conversation around food, such as:

“I’m glad we’ve been able to spend time together this Christmas”

“Diet culture is so embedded in our society that for those who aren’t immersed in the world of body positivity and intuitive eating, it may be hard for them to rewrite the scripts and messaging that they’ve been surrounded by their whole lives when it comes to food.”

“It’s lovely having you around to celebrate with!”

“I hope you’ve enjoyed celebrating Christmas together as much as I have!”

Let them lead the way

It’s helpful to read posts like this (I hope!) and do as much prep as possible to make your guest feel comfortable, but there’s only so much second guessing you can do. Try and approach your loved one well in advance of your Christmas shindig and make sure they’re comfortable with the plans and arrangements you have in mind. Little changes and adjustments can be something as simple as asking where they’d feel happiest sitting in the table seating plan, if there are any food and drink requests they specifically have or any foodie changes you can make (like letting them put on their own gravy/sauces or serve their own vegetables) can all help in creating a more relaxed and stress-fee environment. And similarly to the above point about not singling out your guest, perhaps there are changes you can make to your agenda as a whole that don’t have to apply just to the ED sufferer. Perhaps this is the year you allow your guests to serve their own potatoes and trimmings rather than assuming the portion sizes of others, or maybe you opt for a buffet dinner with your Secret Santa pals so you can all pick and choose your favourite festive food (mine is without a doubt anything potato based and a chunky mince pie).

It might feel difficult to get the balance right in accommodating for your guest and their perhaps specific food requests without giving in to the destructive tendencies that can come with irrational thoughts around food, but I hope using your judgement to make the environment as comfortable as possible for your guests will hopefully encourage an outlook and attitude to food that isn’t riddled in fear and anxiety anyway!

Remove weight and calorie talk from events entirely

Whether this means speaking to older family members in advance of your Christmas dinner, or reminding those around you that it can be counterproductive to mention numbers and diet culture talk when it comes to food, opening up the conversation ahead of an event is a relatively easy step you can take in making sure everyone is on the same page in creating a welcoming and compassionate environment. Diet culture is so embedded in our society that for those who aren’t immersed in the world of body positivity and intuitive eating, it may be hard for them to rewrite the scripts and messaging that they’ve been surrounded by their whole lives when it comes to food. It won’t be a case of transforming the views of everyone in your family, but hopefully simply creating an awareness of the impact negative food and calorie talk can have will provide a barrier in stopping those accidental food focused comments that make you wince from dominating your festive fun.

Create safe and inviting spaces that don’t always revolve around food

Christmas is the one time of year when everyone goes all out in channelling Nigella in the kitchen and putting on a spread of canapés fit for the queen. But all the talk and focus around food can be an overwhelming norm to navigate for those who have a difficult relationship with food or eating. So whilst cheese and crackers and Christmas puddings galore are loved by many of us, it doesn’t mean our entire social calendar in the month of December needs to revolve around them. Creating safe spaces for friends and family who you know are overwhelmed by food at this time of year is really important- whether it be a games night, ice skating or something as simple as a walk in the crisp winter air, creating a balance of social events you know will provide a well needed rest from the almost obsessive attitude to food at Christmas will be such a welcome and kind act.

I really hope this post has helped to demystify some of the confusion and apprehension that so often surrounds eating disorders for those who haven’t suffered with them, and maybe made the upcoming thought of Christmas a more exciting one now that you have some tools to support your loved ones in the best way possible. It goes without saying that everyone’s experience of an eating disorder is different, so whilst I hope that this advice is helpful across the board, please do check in with your nearest and dearest and see what would be most helpful in bettering their experience of the festive period.