Why ‘I’m Scared’ Is My Automatic Reaction When Talking Money.
Illustration by the endlessly talented Holly Maguire. Find her on Instagram @hollymaguireuk or via her website www.hollymaguire.co.uk.
Money. Typically thought of as a touchy subject, the lack of conversation that surrounds this huge aspect of our lives can make it difficult to form a healthy relationship with our finances. Today’s submission celebrates turning this attitude on its head and recognising that it’s never too late to change your behaviour to support the life you long for, both in the short and long term …
“I can’t wait for the day that my money is my own. When it’s not predestined for a bank charge or bill in a country that I haven’t lived in for a year. When I can save money and keep it my bank account for more than a single month. When I have the money to fly home at a moment’s notice no matter where I am in the world. I have spent the entirety of my early twenties stressed about money and hiding from the inevitable, but it’s only in the last year has my hiding caught up with me and forced me to reevaluate my relationship with money.
While moving to Toronto is one of best decisions I’ve ever made, the money I spent on the visa and the several extras needed to runaway to Canada could have easily cleared the debt I’m currently in. I don’t regret my choice because of the growth this experience has given me, especially when it comes to my relationship with my money. With a year left and the possibility of returning to UK, I would like to return to bank account that say zero instead of minus.
The fear of being trapped in another country, unable to return home in case of emergency forced me to change the way I see money, especially the dialogue I use to discuss it with myself. My dialogue towards money has pretty much been only one sentence ‘i'm broke’ repeated time and time again to hide from the reality and that reality is ‘I’m scared’. I was scared of missing out, so I would spend beyond my means and convince myself that I was happy. In actuality I was stressed beyond belief . So now I’m embracing my fear, which can be a terrifying notion, because it means confronting something so controlling. But despite that, I’ve been surprised to find so much relief in it.
With every debt cleared it allows the possibility for a more finically stable future, but that hasn’t come without sweat, tears and a lot of missed opportunities. The fear of missing out is what got me into this mess, but I have to keep telling myself the 7 months I have dedicated to clearing 90% of my debts may have come with ‘missed opportunities’, but will allow for better and bigger ones down the line. Within those 7 months, I have set parameters that allow me to enjoy life but live well within my means.
“Every time I make a purchase I check ‘is this for me and will it make me happy?’ or is it instead for others for a means for me to show that I’m doing fine”
My relationship with my money goes deeper than a couple years and some ridiculous student spending. Most of my teenage life was spent with fluctuating household income. Some months could be great and there was nothing to worry about, but others? Other months were hard, school trips where missed because the costs were too high for a single parent income, and dinners were several shades of brown hues. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but the fear of losing out has lead me down the path of ‘as long as rent is paid for’. It’s my money to spend on what I like with no regard for the future. But as I get closer to my mid 20s, I’m realising that to never relive my childhood, I have to press refresh and hope that the damage is reversible.
I unfollowed almost every company and keep a select few influencers on my Instagram feed. I need to feel I’m not being convinced that I need a sustainable necklace or skincare which cost the third of my rent. I haven’t worn jewellery for almost all my life, but yet I find myself adding countless necklaces into my cart, convincing myself that come payday, those necklaces will be mine. Subconsciously I know that if I own them, I’ll wear them for less than a month before they’re relegated to the bottom of my bedside table. The purchase is never made. I can’t justify losing money on what Instagram is telling me will make my life better.
There are always exceptions to the rule- I’m not immune to the powers of good advertising, so there are inevitably things that I am convinced I need and end up purchasing, but now it’s not without serval months of thinking about it. If the item in question is something that was introduced by a social media, I have to give it at least three months and the ‘open tab’ test. The open tab test means that if I’m watching an item but then close the tab, it can go onto my saving list if I actively research it again. A list of things that are above a 50 dollar mark means I have to save for them, meaning by the time the money is ready I have spent the maximum amount of time needed thinking about it. All of these steps help me actively try to slow my impulsive nature when it comes to buying things that I ‘need'.
No matter how many steps I take, I have to remember I won’t allow myself to fall back in to the same self destructive behaviours that landed me in this mess to being with. Every time I make a purchase I check ‘is this for me and will it make me happy?’ or is it instead for others for a means for me to show that I’m doing fine. Keeping up with the Joneses has been may people’s downfall. I won’t allow it be mine again.”
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Thank you to Zina for contributing this piece! You can find her on Instagram @_zinabrown. The beautiful illustration was designed by the brilliant Holly Maguire, who you can follow at @hollymaguireuk!