Thriving In a Long Distance Relationship When You're a Natural Worrier
When I think about my introverted personality, tendencies to overthink and need for external reassurance and validation, a long distance relationship isn’t a dynamic that automatically springs to mind as the perfect option for my worrisome self. Combined with an acute fear of phone calls and tendency to read between the lines of a seemingly well meaning text message and hey presto! You’ve got yourself the perfect candidate for the worst long distance relationship partner.
But somehow, despite the odds being very much against me, my boyfriend and I have been long distance for the best part of 5 years. Without really knowing how, I’ve somehow managed to plod along in this (sometimes tiring but always loving) dynamic, that at times I thought would defeat us. When I first moved away from home for university, I battled with the bittersweet realities of saying hello to a new and exciting chapter of my life, whilst simultaneously waving goodbye to the regular dinners, cinema trips, Netflix days and Sunday brunch with my other half. And whilst I still count down the days and hours until we next see each other, I’ve settled into long distance life and the complexities that come with it. So if like me you’re prone to worrying about worrying, and even the thought of an LDR throws your managed anxiety and routine of piest, I hope these tips offer some hope and habits that will let your relationship thrive, 1 or 100 miles apart.
Communication:
I bet you were wondering when that classic ‘ol relationship tip would come up, and turns out it’s always my number one piece of advice! Despite the cliches, it really is true, and perhaps more important than ever in a long distance dynamic. Living hours or even time zones apart means making time for one another is a relationship must. Whether it means scheduled evenings for a Facetime catch up or an understanding that you won’t text throughout the day but instead opt for a chat when you’re home from work, having a mutual understanding of what you expect from the other person is key. Without sounding like communication has to be a chore, it’s important that you’re both on the same page about keeping in touch and filling each other in on your day-to-day. Long distance means you miss the falling asleep conversations before bed or the menial stories you remember from your day whilst cooking together, and it can be a hard pill to swallow in accepting that you might be letting go of these spontaneous chats when distance divides you. So however keeping in touch works best for you, it’s best to establish those boundaries and expectations at the start to avoid any niggling feelings of left out or losing the closeness that is gained from living closeby.
Learning to be okay on your own:
No matter your location, feeling comfortable in your own company is something that will aid in creating and maintaining any healthy relationship. This often hard to achieve feat becomes even more important however when physical distance separates you and your partner, and you both make respective plans without the other one involved. This is the part I’ve fallen short on in the past, as the distance between us made me realise how much I had relied on my boyfriend’s company, support and companionship previously. When your partner feels like your best friend, it’s so easy to be consumed by that relationship and put all your eggs into one basket (I’ve been watching too much Love Island it seems…), but living apart will forever highlight your reliance on one another and need for friendship outside of this. Your partner will make plans without you. They’ll be having fun without you there, and at first it can feel soul destroying to be watching from the sidelines, missing out on making memories you once shared. But like so many things (grief and anxiety included), keeping busy and transforming into the social butterfly you thought was reserved only for extroverts is the cure for any type of FOMO you might be experiencing.
It will be hard to feel excluded in any capacity, but what you may gain from more socialising and growing your circle in other ways may just fill the emptiness that can come from missing someone so intensely. It’s likely that there'll be a point that you and your partner are working towards in which your worlds collide again, so try to enjoy this in between period and make the most of your free time by investing it with yourself and others.
The countdown is on:
Like an overexcited 4 year old as soon as December 1st rolls around, being part of a long distance relationship means you’ll almost always be counting down the days until your next time together- and that’s okay! Whilst wishing away months and weeks at a time isn’t a sustainable nor healthy attitude to have, there’s no harm in planning your time together in advance and knowing when your next ‘two of you’ time will be. Break down the weeks, make plans to fill your time and I guarantee you’ll feel butterflies when the weeks turn into days and days into hours. Just like the motivation of a long holiday to look forward to after months of hard work at the office, or the excitement that comes from a bank holiday with friends, planning an itinerary for your sacred time together is a great way of channeling homesickness or longing to see each other into something positive.
Challenging worry:
If you’re a worrier through and through, there’s little I can say that will rewire your brain into a relaxed and carefree version of yourself, no matter how much nicer that may be. One quote that’s always stuck with me is: “your first thought is what society has conditioned you to think, your second thought is who you really are”. This applies most accurately to my anxiety, as my first thought is the worst case scenario my unkind brain convinces me is true, whilst my second is the rational and trained thoughts that I’ve spent so long working to achieve. So whilst worrying is a part of you that likely feels allconsuming, it’s the way you challenge those thoughts that makes the real difference. Question what your brain tells you is true, make an effort to redefine your worry prone reactions and do so in the knowledge that the work you’re doing on yourself, for yourself will only make for a stronger and happier relationship. It takes time to unlearn the irrational thoughts and panic that your brain has instilled upon you, but it’s the most productive step you can take in making long distance achievable in the long term.
Assume the best, not the worst:
“Omg he’s not texted me back since going to be pub so he must be speaking to other girls there”
“Why is Instagram seeing this photo from a spontaneous day out before I’ve heard about it”
And so on, and so on. Phones can really be a blessing and a curse in the world of long distance relationships. Whilst in most cases, Facetime, Instagram Stories and Snapchat can help in making the distance feel just that little bit smaller, they can also be a breeding ground for worry if you hold the gold medal in the Olympic sport of reading between the lines. All I’ll say on this one is: pick your battles. Sometimes distance causes frustrations that mean even the smallest of niggles can turn into groundbreaking worries or arguments, as things that would ordinarily take up none of your brain power suddenly become important within your relationship. I’ve learnt the hard way that there will always be things to worry about- whether it’s a sudden lack of kisses at the end of a message (something so minor in the scheme of things) or being left on read (probably because something came up that distracted their attention), but it really pays to leave these things be. I have a horrible habit of assuming the worst as soon as something feels off or different, but my best advice to you would be not to over analyse anything unless you have good reason to. It can be all too easy to jump to conclusions or take out your frustrations at the situation on the other person, but it’s so not worth the arguments or tension for these little things. Assume the best, and not the worst.
Accept not everyone will have the same love language/expectations as you.
Whilst love languages are integral long distance or not, the little things can become even more important when you have no tangible connection to your other half. It can be as simple as a ‘hope your day is going well” text, a card in the post to let them know you’re missing them or something more extravagant like flowers or a surprise visit- whatever it is that makes your other half feel special, now’s the time to put it into practice. The smallest of things that remind you that you’re on your partners mind can be all the reassurance you need when long distance is taking its toll, so don’t forget to return the favour and practice the act of making each other feel special at every opportunity.
Long distance relationships take so much time and energy to conserve, but done right they don’t have to play into your worrisome tendencies at all. The right relationship with the right person has the potential to work no matter the distance, and as I’ve emphasised in this post- think positively and those good feelings will breed into more happiness and less worry.