The Curse of the One-Sided Relationship
The on/off relationship with the man who eventually broke my heart: lessons in unavailable lovers …
Words: Aimee Carmichael
“We’re taught that the friends with benefits relationship works out, that the guy and the girl will make it work despite their differences. Books, movies, TV shows all sell us happy endings. But what about the one-sided relationship concerning unrequited love? Being ‘one of’ but never ‘the one’.
Last year the man I’d been seeing on and off for 2 years asked me the question everyone fears at the crossroads of your relationship: ‘Where is this going?’. This is the man who had been my rock during lockdown, the one constant in a time where everything was so crazy. He proceeded to tell me he didn’t see us working out. I was hurt, I felt I’d been served a relationship death sentence. We had been on and off over the last 2 years but during the 6 months of lockdown, the relationship had intensified. We’d gotten to the point where we were practically everything but officially in a relationship. Or so I thought.
“The worst years of my life all because I’ve been cursed with a man who will not and does not love me back”
Coincidentally, as this conversation was happening I was watching The Holiday, and at that moment I instantly related to Iris at the beginning of the movie- hung up on a man that didn’t feel the same way. Just as Iris says “the worst years of my life all because I’ve been cursed with a man who will not and does not love me back.” As she uttered these words on my screen, my phone was buzzing with the messages of everything I didn’t want to hear. I realised then that I had wasted 2 years pining over a man who has never, and will never, want to be with me. I felt like I had been cursed with this one-sided relationship.
For me though, there is no escaping to a mansion in California like Iris. I had to get on with my normal life. Living every day with this heartbreaking feeling of dread. The constant possibility of running into him- at least the one blessing of lockdown was the chances of this were majorly decreased, but still. He had offered me a half-hearted relationship, he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He had taken control and stated an end date. While part of me had always known this might come in the end, it didn’t make the finality of it any easier.
I think what is so hard about these one-sided relationships is that there is a feeling of shame and judgment from other people when a relationship like this ends. Many will diminish this experience, as if it’s not a real breakup, but is it. Feelings were hurt, and I had to be vulnerable and share myself with this man when I knew there was a possibility that he didn’t feel the same. I know now he wasn’t the right person for me, but that doesn’t diminish what we had and the heartbreak that followed.
“I am drawn to unavailable men because in a way, deep down, I know it won’t turn into anything more. ”
Now I’ve reached a point in which I’m scared to get into any new relationships because I fear the heartbreak and the possibility of a man not feeling the same again. A lot of this fear comes from the attachment styles we all have. When you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style (hello me) then you are of course going to be a little less trusting and keep your partner at arms length in the fear of being hurt again. There’s the underlying anxiety surrounding whether or not they will reply to your text or want to see you again. The constant wondering about if you’re being too ‘keen’ or ‘needy’. Relationships are scary enough without adding in the fear of “What if he changes his mind?” or “What if I never hear from him again.” With a one-sided relationship, this is a common practice because there is always the fear that your feelings are not being reciprocated. Those with more anxious attachment styles crave reassurance from their relationships and not getting that reassurance is crushing, so going for a man who is emotionally unavailable is a recipe for disaster. But why can’t I stay away?
Is it the intrigue of a ‘bad boy’? Or is it just what I’m comfortable with because I’ve never know relationships any other way? I think in a way, yes. I am drawn to unavailable men because in a way, deep down, I know it won’t turn into anything more. This way I am shielding myself from the eventuality of getting hurt. Although that rarely happens. In trying to protect myself, I end up getting hurt all over again. I romanticise relationships and get my hopes up as anyone does at the beginnings of something new. The possibility of what a relationship could turn into is exciting, but also scary. Relationships allow you to be vulnerable, and sometimes you just have to take the chance. All I can do is hope that the curse is almost broken…”
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You can read Amy’s previous post on The Insecure Girls’ Club: Claiming my Hot Girl Summer or find her on Instagram at @aimeesarahcarmichael.