Why Do I Panic When I’m Home Alone?
Many of us craved the independence of having our own home throughout our teens, but what happens when this sought after time leaves us anxious rather than exhilarated?
Words by Charlotte Moore
‘I feel like I’ve lost my mind. Every single noise sets my heart racing. In the day, I feel safe, but, as soon as it gets dark, something changes - I can’t breathe.’ - Mumsnet
“From growing up in a large, busy family, to spending my early twenties in endless houseshares, it was rare that I was alone. So, moving out of central London and into Manchester’s leafy suburbs with my boyfriend was a dream come true. Finally, I would be able to have some alone time. And, if you’ve ever lived with a long-term partner, you’ll know all too well the fantasy of just stretching out in a large double bed, completely undisturbed and alone.
We picked an unusual little house, tucked away from any neighbours with a large, gated drive. A sturdy solid glass wall ensured that it was always flooded with light. Slightly isolated and, more importantly, completely soundproof (we both play instruments). But, after a spate of burglaries in the area, my safe little street started to feel less secure.
By November, I awoke to see someone trying to break into my car. I pounded down the stairs and, after a few choice swear words, the assailant legged it off into the cold morning. But, something shifted in me. My quiet house started to make me feel uneasy.
When my boyfriend announced that he’d be returning to the South over Christmas, I felt unusually apprehensive. The first night he was away was the worst. It was impossible to sleep. I was certain that I could hear someone at the door, heart-pounding, and totally trapped in my perfect little home. The entire night felt like it would never end and despite every light being on in the house, I was literally blinded by panic. I must have slept at some point, but most of my memories of that evening are of me, clutching a hammer, praying for the night to end. And as the sun started to rise, I stumbled down the stairs, removing the furniture that I’d piled up against the front door and acknowledged that there was a problem.
The next night I stayed in my sister’s spare room.
By day, I loved my little house. I cheerfully made Christmas cake and coffee, feeling completely at home. But as darkness fell, the panic would set in. Despite acknowledging that a grown woman being terrified of the dark was ridiculous, I couldn’t seem to shake it off.
And, the problem is that whilst I love my partner, I’m not sure that he’d be ‘The Protector’. In fact, that’s normally my role. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t there, it was just the fact that I was alone.
Though a quick Google search proved that despite being irrational, I certainly wasn’t spending my nights in fear alone. From Mumsnet to student websites, a mass of women had posted about the fear of being home alone. From girls who barricaded themselves into rooms in their shared houses, to women who slept next to their small, sleeping child with a hammer under their pillow.
In fact, Emily*, by day a 25 year-old Recruiter, has always struggled to be home alone. “To be totally honest, I just got better at hiding it. But, I’ve never stayed in a house on my own. I always find an excuse to have someone round if my partner is away and if I stay in a hotel for work I leave the TV and lights on. Believe me, I’ve tried staying home alone. However, the panic sets in and I feel like there’s someone in the house, just waiting for me to fall asleep. It’s not really like I can tell anyone, my friends would think I’m completely mad, but that’s the truth.’
I spoke to NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) expert, Rebbecca Lockwood, to find out why:
“A lot of women fear being home alone. We come up with all sorts of reasons as to what may happen and create images and full-on scenes in our minds of something horrific happening.
Then because we’ve created this image in our mind, our brain starts to look for something called confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is when you look for all the reasons why the belief you have is true.
Your brain automatically does this on autopilot without you being aware of it, which is why things can become even scarier.”
So, what’s the cure?
It’s worth trying some practical things to alleviate the fear. From buying a chunky deadbolt, to actually asking your landlord what the alarm code is. All of these things can help you feel more reassured. Rebbecca also recommends that you cut back on the caffeine, avoid your true crime shows and if you need reassurance, just go ahead and seek it. She also urges us to remember that sometimes “our brains are just designed for confirmation bias, it’s possible that your fears might be real, but are ultimately unlikely”.
The third night he was away, I decided to stay at home. I boldly stomped through the front door and spent a night watching mindless TV, my heart hammering at the thought of the darkness. But, I followed the advice of the internet and stayed away from the coffee and took myself off to bed. I did the practical things like checking the locks on the doors a few (hundred) times and closed up all the blinds. And, despite a hammer lying on the bedside table (just in case), I slept.
By the sixth night, I awoke to notice that I’d slept with all the lights off. I stumbled downstairs in the early morning darkness to notice that my trusty sidekick (read: hammer), was also lying on the table. Unused.
So, my partner announced he was off to a stag-do in February, I cheerily waved him off and into the darkness. I felt different. Stronger. But, most importantly, I could finally reclaim the feeling of being stretched out in a double bed.
Completely alone.”
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If you want to read more of Charlotte’s beautiful words, you can find more of her posts on her own website: www.girlonfilm.co.uk. You can also head to Instagram and follow her via @girlonfilm to see some of her gorgeous and original film photos.