Why Making Friends As An Adult Feels Like An Uphill Struggle
Bumble BFF, FOMO and Loneliness in Adulthood
Words: Charlotte Rollin. Photograph: Jesse Marble
It’s funny how as a child you can’t wait to grow up and do all the things you so desperately craved in your youth, but you forget that some aspects of life exist exclusively in childhood, and so coming of age means saying goodbye to those givens too. Friendship is one such thing.
Going through school, play dates with family friends, days at the beach with cousins and Christmases with extended family means most of us were never short of company as a child. And yet without quite realising, the move into adulthood sees this expected guarantee begin to unravel. University is perhaps the last stage in your adult life that building friendships is a focus. Once you enter the workplace and the cycle of adulthood (work, rest, washing, bills, work some more, repeat) keeps you going, it seems that the once achievable, second nature of making friends becomes somehow more difficult. Other social groups have been established, years of memories have been had, and with the inevitable drifting apart caused by relationships, moving house, jobs and general LIFE getting in the way, it’s easy to feel like you’ve been a little bit left behind. But it’s not all doom and gloom! I realise that this outlook could easily be seen as negative or cynical, and friendship on the most part is neither of those things. Finding ‘your people’, those that unapologetically back you, love you, tell you when you’re wrong and be there with a bottle of wine and takeaway in your darkest hours are in so many cases chosen family. The friends I have I hold so dearly. But the transition to adulthood has seen some of these relationship slip away or become distant in a way that has left me with a level of envy for the friendship groups I see online or on nights out that seem to understand and ‘get’ each other with no expiation needed. I guess I’m really craving those relationships in my life again.
“I hope this post prompts you to write the text you’ve been meaning to send, to organise the brunch you’ve been putting off, and to start the group chat you’ve dreamed of having.”
As is the case with so many contributions to The Insecure Girls’ Club community, social media can be both a blessing and a curse in this realm. Friendships can be found and fostered through the wonderful world of Instagram, uniting brunch lovers, fangirl fanatics, holiday dreamers and those with similar political views and morals far and wide, creating girl squads and BFFs on a worldwide level. But whilst the Internet gives us hope and potential for future besties, the FOMO and comparison it also garners can breed toxic traits for those of us feeling left out. Never before has it been so easy to see what feels like your entire Instagram feed cheersing espresso maritins on a Friday night, or wailing to karaoke on a Saturday. Somehow everyone seems to be at bottomless brunches and Bongo’s Bingo, and yet you’re still in your pajamas, 5 episodes deep into Stranger Things, with only an empty tube of Pringles and a chocolate digestives packet to show for it. Social media has given us a lot, but it’s also taken so much from us too- namely the ability to live life without comparison.
And yes, there are so many ways to make friends as an adult. Through your job, mums at the school run, the lady who sits opposite you on the train or that friend of a friend who always likes your Instagram posts, but reaching a point in accepting loneliness and the need for a social life shakeup can be hard. Putting yourself out there and making the consistent effort to sustain friendships can be draining, especially when the ease of these relationships in your youth were largely facilitated by sitting next to them in Biology class every day. Making friends as an adult can feel like an uphill struggle, but the prize at the end is surely worth the time it took to get there.
Another common thread of finding friendship as an adult that has come up time and time again on TIGC, is that more often than not, those around us may in fact be feeling the same. Whilst social media makes it feel like everyone has got their life together but you, the reality is that there will be so many others who relate to your struggle, and who will be willing to share the load if you put your head above parapet. I hope this post prompts you to write the text you’ve been meaning to send, to organise the brunch you’ve been putting off, and to start the group chat you’ve dreamed of having. There are so many aspects of adulthood that feel out of our control, but surrounding yourself with people similar to you and making the effort to ensure you have a safety blanket of amazing women is one thing we can try our best to maintain.
And if you need a helping hand (because let’s face it, adulting is HARD), try out Bumble BFF, search Facebook for local groups and women in your area who have similar interests, or reach out to the gal pals you lost touch with over the years. Friendships are hard work, but realising your self worth and the amazing things you can offer to other women puts you one step closer to opening up to a new found social life that you’ll wonder how you went without.