PSA: You Don’t Need To ‘Speak Up’ as a Quiet Person
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” - Brené Brown
“Make sure you eat your vegetables.
Don’t forget to brush your teeth.
Finish your homework before 7pm.
Don’t watch too much TV.
Stop being so quiet.
Speak up.
Since primary school we’ve been told how we should behave, live and look. The expectations placed on us at a young age weighed us down through our school years and followed us into college. We felt pressured to dress a certain way, to be a certain size, achieve the best grades, have confidence in ourselves and be seen and heard. Raise your hand and answer the question, make sure you participate, don’t be shy. Being quiet felt like a crime in school. So many of us were ridiculed for our introverted ways, but isn’t it time we stop shaming children, and people in general, for being shy? We’re constantly encouraging our loved ones to embrace who they are and are showered with self-love messages every time we scroll through Instagram, but why has society not caught up yet?
I’ve always been a shy person. I’m quiet and don’t enjoy being in the spotlight, but that’s just the way I am. It’s taken 26 years for me to accept this because I’ve constantly been told how terrible it is to be shy. If you weren’t raising your hand in class and constantly answering questions then it was wrong. If you weren’t the centre of attention at a party then you were weird. The pressure to completely change our personalities has now resulted in a lack of self confidence, imposter syndrome and anxiety. We grew up listening to people tell us who we were wasn’t right or good enough and it has now carried into this chapter of our lives.
“My school reports were full of strong grades and high praise from teachers, but my quietness was often mentioned. “Needs to speak up more,” my tutors would write, but why force students to do something that doesn’t come naturally to them? ”
I’ve never felt truly satisfied with who I am. When I was growing up I always felt like I was missing something. A voice. Confidence. Bravery. I always felt so disappointed in myself when I never answered the questions I knew the answers to or volunteered to read out loud in English class. I resonated so much with Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower when he scribbled the answers down in his notepad rather than raising his hand. I finally felt understood and represented, but Charlie helped me realise that being shy wasn’t a flaw, it’s just part of who I am. And you know what? I enjoy being that little bit quieter. I’m the person who stands backstage and I’m perfectly happy with that.
Unfortunately, shy-shaming is something that continues to seep into our adult lives, whether that’s in college, work or our social lives.
“You should talk more.”
“Why are you so quiet?”
“You need to stop being so shy.”
“ It’s time to celebrate and embrace who we are”
Life would be so much easier if we stopped questioning people’s shyness and interrogating them. A little bit of kindness goes a long way. Shy-shaming does nothing but strip the person of confidence. It embarasses them and makes them question their personality. Being shy is not a crime. It’s actually perfectly normal. Isn’t it time to realise and accept the fact that we are all different? We all can’t be loud, confident people who adore public speaking. I grew up thinking I was worth less than others because I wasn’t comfortable talking in class or struggled to introduce myself to new people. I felt useless and imperfect because society has fooled us into thinking that being brash, confident and extroverted is the only way to be. My school reports were full of strong grades and high praise from teachers, but my quietness was often mentioned. “Needs to speak up more,” my tutors would write, but why force students to do something that doesn’t come naturally to them? Shyness is dismissed and frowned upon, but there are so many benefits to being that little bit quieter than your peers.
In an interview with Greatist, author Susan Cain shared, “Many introverts are great public speakers, they’re great leaders, they’re great communicators, but they still have a need and a desire to spend more of their time in quieter ways. And that’s a piece of themselves that they need to honor.” Susain Cain is right. We need to celebrate the perks of being shy rather than forcing ourselves to act differently. There is power in being quiet and it’s something we should acknowledge.
Life is not easy, especially after the year we’ve all had. We need to realise that being kind and empathetic is the way forward. We’re constantly fretting about everything from the size of our jeans, that tiny spot on our shin to how quickly we’re progressing in our careers, but isn’t it about time we cut ourselves some slack? It’s time to celebrate and embrace who we are, especially us quieter folk because we’ve spent way too long worrying about being “too quiet” or feeling less important than the people who can easily chat away in a room full of people. Quiet souls are just as valuable. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be who you truly are. As Brené Brown once said, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
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Other posts by the brilliant Kat include Why I Want To Live More Like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail and The Fear of Not Doing Enough In Your Twenties.