I'm Sorry ... I Can't Say No
Illustration via @OhSoGraceful on Instagram.
The people pleasing tendencies so many of us possess can often leave us feeling a sense of responsibility to others, or even ignoring our own needs to be “less” of something- less difficult, less inflexible, or less simply, us. But today’s submission debunks those worries, helping us to see there’s nothing difficult about prioritising yourself, and the ultimate act of self care means standing up for your needs when others don’t. Here’s to saying no …
“I get so much joy from being able to respond to the question ‘What do you do?’ with ‘I’m a musician’. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world - I get to earn a living doing what I love. As with any job, there are good days and bad days at the office, no matter where your office may be. I sing with several bands all around the UK, and so reliability needs to be pretty high up on my CV. Unfortunately, my health doesn’t always allow for this.
I first became ill at age 16, and 14 years later I finally received a diagnosis of Lyme Disease. My symptoms are wide-ranging; I have severe pain in my muscles and joints every day, I get Deja-vu-type visions that make me feel unbelievably nauseous, and (please note, I’m not a doctor so this probably isn’t the correct medical expression) my immune system sucks. I’ve been hospitalised with sepsis twice.
While being freelance is mostly a brilliant thing, the curse of the self-employed is that anytime you pick up your phone there is something that needs doing or replying to, and ignoring messages or emails leads to the ever present fear that if you don’t say yes immediately, the work will go to someone else. If I’ve ever had to miss anything due to my health - rehearsals, meetings, or very rarely, gigs- I’m left feeling supremely guilty. Even being admitted to hospital, despite the severity of my condition, left me feeling guilty and like I was letting people down. It doesn’t take a medical professional to tell you that overwhelming waves of guilt are not conducive to a steady recovery.
It’s taken me a long time to get there, but every day my outlook gets a little clearer; It’s not for people outside of the medical profession to judge how ‘ill’ or ‘not ill’ someone is, but equally, it’s not our responsibility what other people think about our personal situations or how we choose to spend our time.
Why do we punish ourselves for not delivering 100% of the time? Why do we treat ourselves in ways we would never treat our best friends? And why do we insist on saying yes to everything? Over the last few years, I’ve actively avoided saying no to anything career related because I didn’t want to appear weak, ill or unavailable. This obviously isn’t sustainable, and definitely not an impression or message I want to portray in any way. I have a couple of singing pupils and the idea of young students thinking that they are never allowed to say no in order to prioritise themselves - especially their health - is not a value I want to be teaching or communicating. We put so much pressure on ourselves because we don’t know when the next ‘opportunity’ might come along, but I think we also don’t consider that we have to be in the right place physically and emotionally in order for the opportunity to be the right one. It’s our responsibility to ensure we can say no, or to not reply immediately. Saying ‘I’m taking a break’ out loud is empowering for ourselves and for others. You’re not only allowing yourself to take the break, but other people will hear you and respond with their own needs for a break or having some space. In a way, we’re all working together.
I know there are so many people who suffer from health conditions that aren’t immediately recognisable. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a diagnosis and a treatment plan, as well as some flexibility that being self-employed offers in order to make room for doctors’ appointments. There are days where if I need to work at home in my pyjamas, I can. There are other elements of my job - like all jobs - that are less flexible. The bride and groom don’t care on their special day if I’m feeling rubbish - and why should they? However, it’s about accepting the fact that while there are times when it is not appropriate to disclose how I’m feeling to the people around me, there are plenty of moments where it is necessary that I let people know that I’m stepping away from my computer for the afternoon and having a nap.
I made a decision a couple of months ago that I wouldn’t check my phone or emails until I had been to the gym, gone for a walk or at least had a cup of tea and my breakfast. I’m not perfect at this by any stretch of the imagination but I’m getting there. I like the fact that I can focus on my personal needs at the beginning of the day before moving on to my work schedule, and the needs of my colleagues, family and friends. Call it whatever you want - self-care, self-love, or even better don’t label it at all - I believe it’s a necessity that we don’t push ourselves down or overwhelm ourselves before we’ve even started our day. By framing the day around ourselves, and our needs, we benefit everyone around us as well. It’s a reeducation that we all need to be invested in together.”
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You can find Hannah on Instagram at @CastlemanSings or on her website: www.hannahcastleman.com.